


Addicted

by moonbeambucky



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Cheating, F/M, Fluff, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-04
Updated: 2019-09-25
Packaged: 2020-07-31 11:07:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 25,710
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20114095
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonbeambucky/pseuds/moonbeambucky
Summary: Hearts break under the weight of buried feelings, longing for the chance at repair no matter the consequence.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This was written on tumblr for @youngmoneymilla Eliza’s 5K Challenge. My prompt was “Quit You” by Lost Kings

The rain hasn’t let up for days. Grey clouds invaded the sky, not letting a glimpse of sunshine through as they drowned the city in misery.

Puddles of murky water fill the divots of crooked streets and cracked sidewalks, splashing with every step taken. Annoyed grunts and scoffs fill the ears of those not walking fast enough, coming from those around them that quicken their strides to get ahead of them.

Y/N moves at a snail’s pace, agonizingly slow as she struggles to put one foot in front of the other and advance her journey. Her boots are heavy, cement encased leather or at least that’s what it feels like.

But it shouldn’t feel like this. The burden on Y/N’s heart that weighs down every part of her soul. Droplets of rain have mixed in with the tears that burned their way to her eyes, leaving fiery hot streaks down her face. Unless someone looks close at the bouquet of veins blossoming in her eyes they won’t be able to tell the difference.

Rough fingers swipe away at her cheeks. She doesn’t want to cry, not tonight, not in front of him.

Orange flashes, a hand from the street sign at the edge of the sidewalk.

_Don’t walk._

A car anxious to make the light zooms by, the tire slams through a pothole. Dirty water splashes at her shins, soaking her legs.

Everything is telling Y/N to turn around and go home.

_Don’t walk._

She doesn’t listen.

Her feet carry her to his door.

***

Bucky’s apartment is his sanctuary, the one place in the world he can take a break from his life as an Avenger and be himself.

At the Tower he was surrounded by cameras and AI, and teammates encroaching on his space, everyone constantly up his ass asking how he’s doing. He put on a show, for Steve to show him that he’s improving, for Sam so he could shut up and stop bothering him, for everyone so he could just be left alone.

There was emptiness inside of him, a gaping hole that burned in the pit of his stomach. He didn’t know how to fill it or how to heal but he knew it couldn’t be done like that.

Bucky was suffocating under the weight of his lies so he began searching for an apartment, assuring Steve that his therapist recommended it would be helpful in finding his identity.

Ironically, his therapist was right. For the first time in a very long time Bucky was excited at the prospect of doing something for himself. He scoured the internet for apartment listings, scanning through photo after photo of different layouts and design styles, and finding his taste through the process.

A smile spread across his face as he found the perfect apartment, emailing back with his interest only to find a confusing response in return. It was a scam Sam had informed him, and most of the listings he found ended in the same result.

Tony suggested a realtor take him around, someone who could show him actual listings and be discreet, something Bucky hadn’t considered when he first began his search. If he thought the Avengers were bothering him imagine what would happen if civilians knew where he lived.

It had been just over a year that he met a realtor who found him the perfect place where he could relax. The top floor apartment in a Pre-War building with wooden floors that Bucky feels strangely akin to; something old but beautiful after a bit of resurfacing.

That was his life, beaten down by Hydra, stepped on and used over and over again until he was stripped of the layer they put on him. The asset, the soldier, a stain that needed to be sanded away to reveal the raw soul that was James Buchanan Barnes. Now like the floors below his feet he is complete again, mostly.

The apartment had been updated but it wasn’t too modern. Bucky has had his fair share of sleek furniture from Tony’s decoration, and though his mind was blown away with Wakandan technology, he was a lot happier in his hut by the river, letting nature soothe his mind.

His kitchen was small but not too cramped, with more cabinets than he would ever use. The bathroom had enough space for an old clawfoot tub that reminded him of the one he grew up with. His face scrunched at the memory of stubbing his toes against the cast iron foot, an unfortunate incident that happened more than a few times.

The bedroom was his favorite room in the apartment. A simple steel bed frame was placed against the rustic brick lined wall, with dark curtains and metal caged vintage lighting accenting the room. His bed was a mess of grey and navy blue, plush pillows and a soft comforter strewn across without care.

His mattress was comfortable, really comfortable and Bucky’s been blessed to have many nights of good sleep on it but never has it felt better than when his back is pressed against the softness of his sheets as he stared up at the beautiful woman riding him like there’s no tomorrow.

His apartment provided many things, peaceful reprieve from life in the spotlight, a space to stretch out and his biggest secret.

***

Y/N’s finger shakes as it pushes the buzzer with force before the door unlocks and lets her inside towards the staircase. The first steps are slow and shaky, unsure and full of insecurity and she grips the railing for support. This isn’t what she wanted. This can’t go on.

Common sense is abandoned on the flight up. The closer Y/N gets to his door the more excited she is to see him and by the time she’s reached the top of the steps she had long forgotten any feelings of reservations in the first place.

Bucky’s door is open slightly and she sees him standing there, arms stretching towards the top of the frame. His shirt rides up, revealing a peek of skin, solid muscle with a path of dark hair that leads down like a rainbow to a pot of gold. Piercing blue eyes stare right through her and that sinful smirk makes her knees buckle.

Y/N wishes she could run to him, throw her arms around his neck and show him her brightest smile, the one that matched the openness of her heart, letting her feelings pour out without restraint. But things aren’t like that with Y/N and Bucky.

***

_From the moment they met they saw the sparks in each other’s eyes, felt the buzz of electricity when their hands touched for the first time. The tingling went straight to Y/N’s core and she had to pull herself together and remember why she was there. Bucky needed an apartment and it was her mission to help him find one. _

_As he walked around each apartment checking out the place, Y/N was checking out the way thick thighs filled his jeans, or the stretch of his shirt against sculpted muscle. Her teeth scraped against her bottom lip as she watched metal fingers brush along the countertop all while thinking how incredible they would feel rubbing against her._

_She was unable to tear her gaze away from him. His chestnut brown hair was pulled back into a bun at the base of his neck with a few messy tendrils tucked behind his ear. She envisioned her fingers running through his locks, loosening the strands with her grip as his face was nestled between her thighs._

_As Bucky pictured himself living in the space Y/N pictured him sliding in and out of her heat, fucking her until she couldn’t think straight. Her tongue licked her lips as she stared at the large bulge in his pants. It was a safe bet she wouldn’t be walking straight either._

_Lost in her own fantasies she was unaware that Bucky had been staring too. Every time they went out together he noticed more things about Y/N. Her beauty was obvious and Bucky was nearly tongue tied when she had first asked him what he was looking for in an apartment. Had he let his mouth actually speak the words he thought he would have answered, “You.”_

_Bucky would always take note of how incredible Y/N looked. No matter what she was dressed in it suited her figure perfectly. She looked so proper in her professional attire it only fueled his desire further to want to rip it off and take her on the nearest table._

_It was getting harder to deny the way they felt about each other. When there were no listings that met Bucky’s expectations Y/N took him out anyway, to see an apartment he would never go for but none of that mattered. The need to see Bucky was too great and he did not object._

_In an overpriced apartment staged to fit the needs of an entitled trust fund elite Bucky crashed his lips to hers. The figures painted on the fine art that hung on the decoratively paneled walls watched scornfully as Bucky lifted Y/N up, hitching up the fabric of her dress so it was easier for her to wrap her legs around his solid frame. His lips attacked her body, leaving a trail of kisses down her neck, sucking and nipping at her skin. Pulling whimpers from her mouth as he soothed the marks he left with his tongue._

_Y/N’s hands cupped his cheeks, feeling the roughness of stubble scratch against her palms as she brought his lips to hers once more for a hungry, passionate kiss. Her lips parted for his tongue, meeting her own in a dance that sent an ache between her legs._

_Smooth metal fingers tugged at the zipper of her dress and Bucky set Y/N gently to her feet so he could continue to remove her clothes. With the zipper loosened she pulled her arms out of the sleeves, letting the fabric pool to the floor._

_Bucky rubbed himself, adjusting the stiffening of his pants as he worshipped her with his eyes, like fine art you were supposed to look at and never touch, but Bucky has never been one to follow rules._

_A strand of pearls hung above her breasts, the pale iridescence standing out beside the black lace that adorned them. Stepping out from the dress at her heels she turned around, fingerprints blemishing the polished surface of the baby grand piano she leaned against to tease him and show off the matching panties._

_Y/N was taken by surprise by the firm slap against her ass, letting out a whimper that drove him wild. Arching her back she prepared herself for another slap, begging for his hand to smack against her cheeks again. A warm hand landed on her flesh another time, moaning as she chewed on her lip, rubbing her thighs together for some relief._

_The heady scent of her arousal flooded his senses, the throb of his dick, the voice inside his head all screaming for him to get a taste of her. He couldn’t take it any longer._

_On his knees Bucky pulled her panties down quickly. His fingers were rough as they grabbed her legs, spreading them apart so he could feast upon her. Cries of pleasure fell from Y/N’s lips as his tongue worked wonders, licking and sucking at her glistening folds._

_A cool metal digit rubbed against her clit sending shockwaves throughout her body as she gripped the piano for purchase. Her legs trembled as his ministrations continued, the attack of his skilled mouth on her lips, taking her further and further towards the edge._

_Bucky hummed against her as she soared with pleasure above him, grinning as her leg still trembled as she came tumbling down. He had tasted the forbidden fruit, his chin glistening with her nectar and it only made him crave more._

_His lips crashed to hers again, a messy kiss of teeth and tongue with the taste of her branded on him like a mark. Her hands made quick work of his belt, cupping him through his jeans before pulling them down._

_Y/N’s eyes grew twice as wide at the size of him, hungrily swiping her tongue across her lips for a taste of her own. But Bucky couldn’t wait any longer, he needed to be inside her, to quell the ache he’s been carrying since they first met._

_He lifted Y/N to the nearest table, her body shivering against the cold surface as he pulled his shirt off as fast as he could. The clang of _something _fell to the floor but neither of them cared. Bucky rubbed himself against her pussy, coating himself in her slick before sliding in. She moaned as he slowly stretched her inch by inch until he was fully sheathed inside._

_Adjusting to him was momentary, just enough time for him to unclasp her bra and toss it off before he began to pump his hips, watching her breasts bounce with every thrust. His fingers pinched the hardened peak and he reveled in the way bliss washed over her face._

_“Ohh… fffuck, Bucky,” she cried breathlessly._

_His lips were on hers again, swallowing every moan she offered him. His breath was heavy against her skin as he lifted one leg over his shoulder, reaching deeper inside and that had her seeing white hot flashes of light behind her eyes._

_Bucky grunted along to the snap of his hips, the rhythm drawing out moans and cries, a beautiful melody of ecstasy until he and Y/N reached their peak together. She came first, tumbling down from the heights of rapture and Bucky pulled out, painting his own pearl necklace across her breasts._

_Strands of hair stuck to his sweaty forehead and he pushed them back, catching his breath as he watched her do the same. It made his cock throb again, the sight of her marked by his seed and trembling with aftershocks._

_He leaned down to claim her lips, delicately this time, soft and sweet; and as she began to pull away he went back for more, needing one more kiss before he went to clean her up. His lips still tingled with the feeling of Y/N’s against him and Bucky felt a shift within himself._

_Like a drug he became hooked, instantly addicted to Y/N; to her smile and the lightness of her laughter, to her body and the way he felt inside her. His problems disappeared, his fears were no more. The pit in his stomach was sated and filling the void was her._

***

Stepping inside Bucky’s apartment felt like home. The familiar smell of leather and sandalwood invades Y/N’s senses. The locks click behind her as she sets her bag off to the side, sensing Bucky’s warmth behind her.

“You’re wet.”

His words came out like gravel and he cleared his throat. Still, she wondered if he meant that as a statement about the weather or if he could tell she was already soaked for him; the mere sight of Bucky causing her body to flood with desire.

Bucky doesn’t do much speaking when he’s alone, and though his phone is near him for emergencies he never picks up unless he has to. Steve knows not to bother him with anything unless it’s important, knowing how much Bucky’s deliberate seclusion means to him. If only Steve knew the full truth.

He leaned in to press his lips to hers, not caring about the damp jacket against him. Running his tongue along the seam of her lips they part open, craving his entry but he pulls away teasingly, leaving her wanting more. He smirked and she shook her head smiling at him.

“Long day at work?” he asked.

“Yeah.” Y/N nodded, softening her gaze.

Bucky leads her to the bathroom where he leaned over the tub to turn on the faucet. The cabinet under the sink squeaked slightly as he opened it to pull out a familiar blue package, half empty from what Y/N could see which made her lips pull into a smile; it was a gift she had given him.

A few months back Bucky had returned from a mission, badly bruised and sore all over. Even sex had him wincing through heavy moans and Y/N suggested he take a warm bath to soothe his muscles. He refused, thinking that was not something he was supposed to do. Antiquated ideas aside, she purchased foaming bath salts marketed for men, the blue color somehow making it more acceptable.

Bucky trusted her and gave everything a try, and now he looks forward to a quiet soak in the tub; the light musky scent of the salts filling the air as he treated himself to some relaxation.

Two large scoops went into the water and white foam began to fill the surface. Bucky turned his attention to Y/N, helping her out of her jacket and hanging it behind the door. Holding onto him for balance she got out of her boots one foot at a time, feeling the cool tile beneath her feet.

It was soft and slow as Bucky unzipped her dress as she ran her hands up his broad chest and over the curves of his shoulders, feeling the shift beneath the material as solid muscle became smooth vibranium plates. Bucky didn’t like people touching his arm, especially not at the junction where the metal had been fused into his flesh but when Y/N touched him things were different. Delicate fingertips traced lightly over the raised scar tissue, soft kisses soothed the eternal crimson stain of his skin. The horrors of his past washed away at her touch.

Her hands found the hem of his shirt, tugging it upward to pull over his head. The remainder of clothing was thrown to the side; his socks, her bra, his pants, her underwear and in between he had tested the temperature of the water, wiping his flesh fingers on his boxers that came off next.

With the faucet turned off and all of their clothes now removed Bucky held Y/N’s hand as she stepped over the high edge of the tub, waiting for him to join her. Bucky sat down first, pressing his large frame against the back of the now warm tub, waiting with open arms for Y/N to sit in front of him.

Frothy water sloshed around as she sat between his legs, feeling the press of his already half hard length against her back. Bucky couldn’t help it, and Y/N really never minded. The tub was cramped together and Y/N’s legs had to bend so she could fit, the tops of her knees were above the water but she didn’t care, as long as they were together.

Wet hands pushed her hair aside as Bucky kneaded the stiff muscles of her shoulders, knowing how desperate she was for a massage. Bucky knew her well, as intimately as he knew himself. That sort of thing happens when you spend as much time with someone as they have. He swallows a harsh lump, ignoring the gentle flutters of his heart that remind him about the feelings he claims he doesn’t have. This is just sex.

Y/N melted into his touch, releasing all of the tension she had been holding onto all day. Bucky made her forget about everything, annoying co-workers, demanding clients, everything faded away when they were together and there was only him.

Sinful moans of relaxation left her lips and though Bucky’s dick twitched at the sound he ignored it, leaning in to press a kiss to her collarbone, smiling with satisfaction in knowing she felt better. His arms traveled through the warm water to wrap around her stomach, pulling Y/N closer to him. She leaned back against his firm chest, placing her arm across his.

Small talk filled the void of silence, things about her day, things about Bucky’s. Even though he can’t give many details he mentions the Avengers going on a mission he chose to sit out on, one he’s certain will require follow ups that he’ll surely have to be present for.

Craning her neck back Y/N shuts him up with a kiss, reaching her hand up to cup his cheek. He knows she hates when he’s away, risking his life for the sake of the rest of the world. It’s dangerous, he knows it, but there are also parts of her job that make him nervous too, Like when she runs an open house without a co-agent; anyone can walk in leaving her alone with them, strangers who are potential threats, at least that’s how Bucky sees them.

The furrow of his brow relaxes as her tongue slips into his mouth and Bucky’s hands travel up her chest, cupping her breasts and rolling her hardened nipples in between his fingers. Y/N’s body squirms against him as he sucks on her neck, letting his metal hand roam lower.

Metal digits dip between the heat of her folds and she gasps as his thumb brushes against her clit. It becomes too much very quickly. His tongue laving at her neck while his hands play her like an instrument. Y/N’s moans flow like music echoing off the walls. Expert fingers have her singing his name at her peak. Her lips find his again as she comes crashing down, body still shaking, chest heaving as she tries to catch her breath.

It isn’t long before she’s turned around to face him, two hands gripping his length and twisting in corkscrew motions up and down. She’s desperate for his lips; the kiss is messy and hungry, wanting to devour him like he’s the first meal she’s had all day.

Y/N nips at the stubble on his neck, flicking her tongue teasingly over his nipples, kissing a path down until her lips meet where her hands have been working him but now it was time for more.

Bucky stands up to make it easier for her, watching as his cock disappears in her mouth. His hips rut in rhythm with her pace until she takes him to the furthest reaches of her throat. He licks his lips, letting a sweet moan escape as he’s swallowed by the warmth of her mouth.

In that moment Y/N looks up at Bucky and he struggles not to come at the sight of her; large eyes filling with tears as she chokes on his dick with the hunger for more present in her sultry gaze, her lips wrapped around him, stuffing his cock as far back as she can take.

She pulls back releasing him, gasping for breath while her hands still jerk him off, massaging his velvet head with gentle fingers that disrupts the string of arousal connected to her mouth. When Y/N’s ready she takes him again, gripping his thighs as Bucky fucks her face, his body stuttering as he comes down her throat.

Two hands of different temperatures help her to her feet. Bucky presses her body against his as he kissed Y/N again, sensing the tang of himself still on her tongue. He stepped out of the tub first, grabbing a towel that he wrapped around his waist and then handed one for her to do the same.

She left the bathroom feeling dirtier than before, with her hair out of place and her makeup smudged a bit under her eyes but Y/N didn’t care. In Bucky’s bedroom they towel dried each other which only served as a precursor to sex. Thanks to the serum Bucky’s was ready to go again, a side effect which has often led to marathon nights of wrecking her body with pleasure.

Muscular arms brace him above her as messy dark hair curtains his face. Y/N’s hands come up to tuck the strands behind his ears, running her thumbs over the flush of his cheeks.

“You’re beautiful,” Bucky said as he leaned down to connect his lips to hers. His eyes close as he pushes inside her again ever so slowly, gently rolling his hips to languidly fuck her, letting her body take its time to build up to the next orgasm.

It’s a sweet reprieve from their previous rounds. First he had slammed into her from behind, snaking his arm around to rub her clit in a demanding bid for her pleasure. Then Y/N was on top, bracing against his chest as she sunk down on him. She set the pace rocking above him, his hands roaming everywhere they could; her bouncing tits, grazing her hips, intertwining their fingers as she trembled above him.

He spills into her, fills her up with everything he has. Hips stuttering as she milks every last drop of him as she clenches around him. Heavy breaths fall from his lips and their mouths are connected again, tasting the salty sweat on kiss swollen lips.

Y/N is thoroughly spent as she lies in bed to catch her breath. They’re wrapped in each other’s arms soon after, with Bucky being a gentleman and taking the part of the bed with the inevitable wet spot. He hardly gives any attention to it, instead focusing on how quickly she’s fallen asleep against him.

His lips linger on her skin as he kisses Y/N goodnight, he dares not speak the words he feels in his heart but they echo in his mind; _I love you_. It keeps him up for a little while longer as his mind and heart silently wrestle until he finally succumbs to sleep.

Sunlight forces its way through the dark curtains with little avail. Bucky prefers it that way on most days, blocking out the world to keep his room dark and cave-like, except when Y/N’s there. He wished the sun was shining in, illuminating her beauty through its warm kiss.

She’s still asleep, hair mussed wildly against the pillow. He watches the rise and fall of her chest, syncing himself to match her calming tempo. She awakes shortly, blinking her heavy eyes a half dozen times before they finally stay open, sucking in a deep breath and sighing out with a smile.

Through the dim haze she finds Bucky facing her, his eyes were soft, his lips pulled gently at the corners. Of all the times she’s seen Bucky smile mornings like this were her favorite. It was a rare moment when she felt like she was connecting with Bucky, the _real _Bucky, the one not bogged down by an overactive mind, haunted by his past.

“Good morning,” she whispered softly, with a bit of rasp in her voice.

His fingers reach over towards her eyes that shut on instinct and Bucky gently picked away at flakes of crust from the corner of her eye. Y/N’s heart flutters at the gesture, something so caring that bonds her deeper than the sex had.

A lump sits at the back of her throat as she thinks about how often she’s _with _Bucky even though she’s not with him. How whatever he defines their relationship as is anything but an actual relationship, but it feels like so much more. She knows she has to mean more to him than just a hole to get his dick wet. Her heart breaks at the thought.

Maybe she doesn’t mean much to him, despite how he acts when they’re together. Maybe he’s ashamed of her. Is that why she’s a secret? Why they’ve been sneaking around for nearly a year? She’s Bucky’s dirty secret, the one who comes running at his beck and call.

It’s pathetic, she thinks. She’s pathetic, but she couldn’t help but hope that maybe this time he’ll get over whatever is holding him back. That she’ll step out from the shadows together, like the couple they practically are just not in name.

Y/N’s phone buzzes with an alert and she reaches over to see to it. It’s time to start the day even though she wanted to stay in bed with Bucky until he was no longer ashamed of her.

“Time to go?” he asked, as her attention was focused to the illuminated screen.

“Yeah, you know how busy Saturday’s are.”

Bucky stares at the bare skin of her back as she sits on the edge of the bed. Another stretch of her arms as she thinks about where she left her bag. By the front door she remembered, dropping it down before Bucky whisked her away.

These are the awkward moments, when Y/N has to leave the bubble of lust and face the real world again. Wearing the mask of a stranger to the man she knows inside and out. Well, not completely. Bucky gives most of himself to her but there is a part he shuts her out of; the last piece of his heart, the one that would say the words she wants to believe he feels, the one that would proudly show her off to the world.

A tear falls down her cheek but she doesn’t wipe it. Bucky is behind her, still lying on his bed, the one they had christened together the day he moved in to the apartment she found him.

Quick on her feet Y/N leaves the bedroom, wiping the stray tear away as she retrieves her bag and goes to the bathroom. It doesn’t take long to make herself look presentable.

Hair products help revive her hair, her travel toothbrush makes its appearance again and she can’t help but think how much easier it would be to leave it in his bathroom. Makeup wipes help erase yesterday’s mess, and a few products help her put on a fresh face, complete with a perfect smile; a bright and cheery mask that hides the ache behind it.

Clean clothes make her feel better instantly. A different dress, new accessories, the same boots because it was easier that way. She gathered yesterday’s clothes from the floor, taking her dress from the floor and rolling it to place in her overnight bag.

The smell of coffee floats through the air as Y/N leaves the bathroom. Bucky is in his kitchen, dressed in a soft cotton shirt and grey sweatpants that hung low on his hips. Two mugs are set aside as he waits for the cups to brew, turning around ever so casually to look at her.

His eyes glance briefly while his mind screams at him to tell her how beautiful she looks. He doesn’t listen. That’s not something he can say now, not when he isn’t hiding behind the veil of sex. He can’t open up without that layer of protection because if Y/N sees him without it she’ll see how he really feels and Bucky can’t let that happen.

Instead he pours the now ready cup of coffee and hands it over. Clearing his throat he steadied his voice, asking a question with perfected nonchalance. “Were you coming over again tonight?”

Y/N freezes as the cup reaches her lips.

She wished he didn’t ask her. He never asks her. It’s always a text– “Want to come over?” He texts that a few nights a week, only when the sun has gone down, never earlier. They both know what it means. She slips out of the shadows to meet him and fuck, to leave her common sense at home and live a lie.

Tonight was different. Tonight Y/N had plans, plans she wished she didn’t have now that he asked her to come over.

“I can’t,” she finally answered him.

As the coffee reaches the back of her throat she decided to tell him why, in the hopes it would push whatever it is between them in to some sort of direction. Maybe he’ll step up and finally call her his.

With a nervous gulp she speaks again, “Someone asked me out.”

Bucky is silent as he takes in what she’s said. Someone asked her out. Her exact wording. Not, that she has a date but that someone asked her on one. Beneath a calm surface his body is quaking as he silently screams at himself.

The thought of losing Y/N claws at his soul but Bucky knows he can’t give her what she wants. It’s what he wants too, deep down, but it’s not possible and it never will be.

“Have a good time,” he said, light and carefree, not a hint of sarcasm or malice within the syllables.

He sips his coffee casually as if she hasn’t just shattered his world. Y/N’s own mug had nearly slipped from her grasp, just as Bucky was slipping away in front of her.

“Cool. Thanks,” she replied, not knowing what else to say; barely able to choke those words out without crying.

She doesn’t finish the coffee. She needs to get out of there. The mug is left on the counter as Y/N grabs her things. She doesn’t kiss Bucky goodbye, it’s not like that was part of their routine any way. Their routine was her coming over, rushing to him like a dog to its owner. Pathetically responded to his call for sex when she wanted love, but she settled.

Y/N left like she normally did, a quick wave, an awkward goodbye; saving her breakdown for a better time.

As soon as she was gone Bucky abandoned his coffee for alcohol, a liquid breakfast that will never be strong enough to give him the courage to say how he feels or take away his pain. He drove her into the arms of someone else, pushing her out of his life and he hates himself for it. Another reason for self-loathing on the seemingly never ending list.

Her perfume lingers in his room and Bucky feels like he’s been transported to a field of wildflowers surrounded by summer fruit, wrapped in warm vanilla. It’s perfectly Y/N, light and sweet yet alluring and passionate.

He drinks until he passes out, in his bed surrounded by the torturous scent of the woman he loves because he doesn’t have the strength to tell her he’s not worthy of her.

Y/N walked away from Bucky’s apartment contemplating the date. It was nice to feel wanted, even if that attention wasn’t coming from the person she really wanted it to come from. Opening her phone she sent a message to the person who asked her, agreeing to go on a date with Steve Rogers.


	2. Chapter 2

Bucky is a man of routine so typically any day he wakes up in his apartment is the same. Trudging out from his bedroom on staggered heavy feet he’ll yawn, stretching his arms out wide, letting out a loud _hrrraaarh _until he relaxes and lets his arms fall back at his side. His apartment is filled with many things he enjoys; large windows that let in the cool breeze, built in shelves brimming with books, his couch made of comfortable dark leather that faces a fireplace that’s no longer operational. He enjoys it all the same, admiring the ornate details in the mantle and pilasters, appreciating how they were crafted around the time he was born.

Life has changed tremendously since then and never in his wildest dreams did Bucky think he would end up where he is today. He had lots of dreams about his future, some that kept him going through the war. Meet a girl and get married, have a few kids running around the yard who would no doubt cause some mischief, just as he did. Now things weren’t as easy.

The idea of meeting someone alone was stressful. There were no more community dances that brought people together. There were clubs and bars, neither place he felt he belonged. Mostly everything was done on the internet now and that was the last place Bucky wanted to be.

Various searches of himself has proven that he is not well liked; putting his picture up on some sort of profile would be asking for trouble. It’s bad enough the Avengers have a group of “dedicated fans” that practically sleep outside the Tower, eagerly waiting at the chance to catch a glimpse of their favorite superhero.

Yeah, there was no way he was going to put his own picture up, and besides he couldn’t trust that the person behind their picture would be who they say they are. Trust doesn’t come easy for Bucky, not anymore. He still trusts Steve with his life, they’re practically brothers, and sure he trusts his teammates but strangers? Strangers who could be anyone behind their picture? Not a chance.

It’s not like any of that mattered anyway because even if he did meet someone what would the chances be that they didn’t run away the moment they realized who he was? Not Bucky Barnes the Avenger but the Winter Soldier, the fist of Hydra who slithered in the background of history, hands forever stained crimson from the horrors he’s inflicted on the world. He couldn’t handle any more guilt from his past.

And then a scarier thought crosses Bucky’s mind. What if they didn’t run? What if they understood his past and accepted him for who he is? It’s terrifying to think there would be someone who would give their heart to him openly. They would expect him to do the same. Bucky expects himself to do the same; that was his dream after all. To fall in love. To build a life together with someone. But he can’t. His heart is surrounded by a brick wall, reinforced by cement and steel. He can’t open himself up, he can’t give himself to someone because there is barely anything to give.

Recovery has not been easy since he broke free from the hold Hydra had on his mind. Some days he thinks about his past and his only emotion is anger. He screams and yells, shatters glass and punches walls until his hand is chalked in white as crumbles of plaster lay at the floor exposing the space in between the framing.

Other days he’s quiet and tearful, solemnly mourning those he promised he would return to. Hidden under a hoodie and sunglasses he visited his parents’ grave, leaving flowers beside the weathered stone that bore their names. He sought out his sister, metal fingertips tracing along the year she died. He just missed her.

Regret tends to fill out the rest of his moods, when he’s too tired to be angry but not tired enough to let things go. He thinks about all the time he wasted. Instead of hiding out all over Europe he should have seen his sister while she was still alive. At least visit her once before he left. But no, Bucky couldn’t. His mind told him Rebecca wouldn’t have wanted to see him anyway. By the time he returned from Wakanda she was gone.

Broken and empty, that is what Bucky Barnes feels. It’s why he needed to get away from his friends. It hurt too much to fake his happiness, especially on the days when every negative emotion swirled inside him like a tornado, ripping him apart piece by piece. He needed to get out, he needed his sanctuary and that’s when he found his home; that’s when he found Y/N.

Bucky never expected to fall for her. She was just a phone number given to him by Tony to call, a realtor tasked with finding him an apartment but she became so much more. She was hope incarnate, a light to guide him from the darkness. Y/N did more than find Bucky an apartment, she unlocked the part of himself that he hid away; buried deep in his soul, a cavernous pit clouded by thick and muddy thoughts that tell him he’s no good or that he doesn’t deserve happiness. But Y/N never saw any of that and so Bucky gave himself a chance.

He was captivated immediately by her smile and the way her eyes seemed to sparkle like brilliant diamonds when she looked at him. Bucky looked forward to every outing with her because it meant they would spend more time together. They got to know each other on a basic level, simple questions with simple answers but it left him aching for more.

Her voice was honey, full of sugar and sweetness and when she spoke her words stuck to him, seeping into the cracks of his broken soul making him feel whole. The dark skies of his mind parted to reveal sunshine in her smile. Around Y/N, Bucky felt light, like the bright and carefree man he was before the war had sucked all the color from his world.

He didn’t want to let this feeling go, to let her go. The brief time they spent together was never enough so when she found him the perfect apartment he made up every excuse not to take it. He needed to stay with Y/N, to watch her face light up with a smile when she greeted him, to hear the sweet sound of her laughter when he’s tried to make her laugh, to watch as her eyes deepen with desire when he dares to flirt.

The night they fucked replayed in his mind over and over again and he wasn’t ashamed to grow hard at the memory, stroke himself to the sweet vision of her writhing beneath him. He licked his lips remembering her taste; sweet as honey indeed.

From then on they fucked in all the apartments she showed him; up against the wall at a place near Wall Street, pounding into her in the Meatpacking District, going down on her Uptown. She ached to scream out in pleasure, to sing his praises louder than all the performers of Broadway together if they didn’t have to be discreet. Instead Bucky would press his lips to hers, swallow her moans, drown in her whimpers as her walls clenched down on his length, pulsating as she came.

Fucking all over the city was exciting and they nearly forgot Bucky was looking for an apartment until they came to one neither of them could deny was perfect. Even Bucky knew he shouldn’t pass up the opportunity for this place just to continue to see Y/N.

Moving in was easy. Bucky didn’t have many things to begin with and anything new that he needed were just a click away thanks to Stark. Furniture was delivered, clothes were unpacked, the fridge and pantry were stocked with everything he could possibly require.

This was just what Bucky wanted, finally, to be alone and yet he was lonely. He didn’t miss Sam’s teasing, or the silent smirk Natasha had when she knew just how much his buttons were being pushed. He didn’t miss the recipes Wanda was trying out or any of Tony’s spiels about his new tech. He didn’t even miss Steve. He would invite him over, maybe in a few days after he’s settled in, but really the only person he wanted to see was Y/N.

Bucky stared at her name in his phone, his fingers hovered over the screen. He had no reason to call her. In his mind he knew their business had concluded but his body has other thoughts. Her pussy was a drug and once he had a taste he craved it more than oxygen.

He texted Y/N to her surprise. She didn’t expect to hear from Bucky again even though he was all she could think about. What they had was always unspoken. Lustful glances, teasing smirks, wordless gestures that brought them together. Balls slapping against her ass as Bucky rocked into her, Y/N’s knees digging uncomfortably onto the tufted buttons of a couch but she didn’t care. Pain became pleasure as Bucky’s metal digits reached around to her clit, rubbing circles on the sensitive nub.

Y/N thought things were over after she found him his place. Her mind drifted to their time spent together, feeling heat burn her cheeks as she showed an apartment to a couple, one of several where she and Bucky had left their invisible mark. It was unlike her to sleep with a client, especially during what should have been a professional appointment, but there was something about Bucky she couldn’t put her finger on. All she knew was that from the moment their lips met she would never be the same again.

Y/N went to his apartment as soon as she finished work. Fireworks bursting within as she didn’t know what to expect other than she would be seeing him again, and that’s all she needed. Her finger buzzed his apartment and she floated up the stairs to his door. She didn’t even have the chance to knock as the heavy door opened, allowing her inside.

Bucky turned the locks without taking his eyes off of Y/N. Is it possible she was even more beautiful than when they last saw each other? It wasn’t long ago they were standing in the kitchen of this previously empty apartment as Bucky signed papers for the lease. He wondered if things had changed now that this place was his. No longer was there a need to keep quiet, to pick up fallen picture frames and knick-knacks knocked over by the rocking of their bodies together.

With Y/N here in his apartment he didn’t give a fuck what happened. He would fuck her until the legs of his couch collapsed, until the bed broke, until every surface has been blessed by the bareness of their bodies, anointed by the fluids of their lust.

She’s his new religion, a goddess of old come to life in the form of Y/N. Bucky dedicated himself to her, worshipping her like a sacrament. When their bodies connected she brought him to heaven, her name falling from his lips like a prayer and in the aftermath he watches with reverence as she sleeps beside him. The gentle rise and fall of her chest reminds him of her humanity even though her pussy is truly divine. 

And that’s the problem that Bucky faced. The sex was mind blowing and no matter how hard he comes he always aches for more but that was all. Their relationship was purely physical and the more Y/N came over the more Bucky forced himself into believing that’s how it had to stay.

Bucky had begun to develop feelings for her, feelings he knew he couldn’t act on. He wasn’t capable of giving someone what they needed, not emotionally. So he kept things as physical as possible. When she came over, she came over and over again and when she left they simply said goodbye. His lips were hers until they fucked but after that he couldn’t do it, forcing himself to hold back from pressing his lips against the softness of hers, to taste that sugary sweet balm she coats her lips in. Fuck. He’s addicted to every part of her.

He hates holding back. He wants to be hers fully but he just can’t. He wants to take her out to dinner, to go dancing, to stroll along the streets hand in hand, press his lips upon her temple and let her know how he feels. But he doesn’t. Bucky tries not to do anything that would fan the flame inside him he’s working so desperately to put out.

The barriers he put up were as sound as straw and Bucky has failed to mend them. When Y/N came over it’s not just about sex. They’ve gotten to know each other in the quiet moments they share together, laying in bed, curled up on the couch or when they sit down to eat.

Sometimes they order in and sometimes they’ll cook. Bucky never tells Y/N that’s one of his favorite things to do with her, coming together to fulfill a different type of craving. He loves the domesticity of it all, bittersweetly reminding him of the dream he never thought would come true.

It hurts when he thinks about her, the sweet smile her lips are always pulled into, the way she looks at him like his past was erased from history. Bucky doesn’t deserve her kindness and he certainly doesn’t deserve her in his life. He wants to rebuild those walls, force himself to shut down, to turn off the part of himself that is desperate to proclaim his feelings.

Y/N’s everything and Bucky is nothing. He’s poison, he taints her every time they’re together but she still comes back. He wished she wouldn’t. He’s too weak to stop, begging in his heart that when he texts her she’ll deny him but she never does. Like the center of the universe Bucky pulls her into his orbit and there’s no escaping. Not that she wants to, Y/N’s addicted as much as he is, even if it hurts her so much to be a secret, to be everything except loved.

Darkness falls. Bucky texts her and as usual she comes over. Y/N was used to it, she expected it. She seldom took clients out at night anymore because she knows Bucky will be contacting her soon. It’s a terrible habit, putting a man before her livelihood. She’s not proud, but she thinks this time things with Bucky will be different. She convinced herself of the lie over and over again. He’ll see something new, he’ll seal the deal and make her his. No longer will she cry into her pillow, shedding tears over the fantasy life she hopes to lead. One last time, she said for the thousandth time.

***

Sunlight pours into his apartment drenching the room in a sunset glow. It matches the amber liquid he swirls in his glass again as he thinks about Y/N and the way she left. Bucky was forever grateful for the Tower’s limited supply of Asgardian mead. He had taken a flask with him, a moving day gift to himself. A drop was enough to take the edge off but with the way he’s been feeling the flask is nearly empty.

Y/N had a date. Bucky wondered if she was getting ready right now. Was she looking forward to it? Getting all pretty to meet whoever the fuck asked her out. Is he taking her to the places Bucky would have taken her if he wasn’t a coward? He hopes she has a bad time.

The thought makes him drink again and Bucky knows he’s acting shitty. He can’t help it though. Will her date kiss those sweet lips of hers? Would she invite him in? Can he make her scream the way Bucky can? Will he learn all the spots that make her weak?

Bucky can’t think about that.

He volunteered for a mission, contacting Fury directly so he didn’t have to face anyone at the Tower. They’d know something was up if he went there and the last thing he needs anyone prodding him for information, especially when he’s on edge. Of all people Fury respects privacy so Bucky sobered up, packed his things and left his sanctuary. He doesn’t contact Y/N.

***

“Are you ready for the best pizza you’ve ever had in your life?” Steve asked, his blue eyes sparkling with joy as Y/N folds the slice and brings it to her mouth. He wasn’t lying. Y/N’s never tasted a more perfect combination of cheese, sauce and dough.

“Steve! This is incredible!” Y/N boasted, her taste buds celebrating the explosion of flavor in her mouth.

Steve’s lips curled into a satisfied smile. When he first came out of the ice, after the dust of the Chitauri invasion had settled, Steve sought comfort in simpler memories of the past. To his surprise this pizzeria was still around and owned by the same family he once knew.

“Sometimes I didn’t have enough money to eat so Giuseppe would let me earn it, cleaning tables, sweeping the floor. I almost passed out in the summer of ‘33 right over there.” Steve pointed to the booths that lined the walls as he awkwardly recalled having an asthma attack in the middle of a brutal heatwave.

It was hard to imagine Steve as anything but the person he was in front of her today. Tall and muscular, chiseled out of marble and sent straight down from Mount Olympus. Steve Rogers was practically a god but he certainly didn’t act like he knew that. Y/N could see a flash of the small and timid person he once was, in the stillness of quiet moments when Steve doesn’t think she’s looking. In those moments Steve forgets he’s “Captain America” a beloved hero by all. Instead he’s just Steve, not so small anymore but still awkward and unsure of himself, especially around Y/N.

When they were finished Steve said goodbye to the owner John, Giuseppe’s grandson who grew up on stories passed down of Captain America working in his Nonno’s pizzeria. Y/N smiled softly at Steve as he was practically tackled by John’s young sons. He grinned back at her apologetically but she didn’t mind, holding back laughter as the boys asked where his shield was.

An alert from her phone drags her away from the peace she thought she might have with Steve, and frantically Y/N digs in her bag. What if it’s Bucky? He might need her. The phone feels like a heavy brick until she’s able to see the screen and the message _not _from Bucky.

Y/N doesn’t know why she expected it to be him. He doesn’t need her, just like she doesn’t need him. The message was a client confirming their appointment for the next day and she thinks back on how she and Steve began talking.

He contacted her a few weeks prior and Y/N was stricken with fear. _Does he know?_ She thought she was Bucky’s secret so she panicked a bit when he called. Her worries disappeared when Steve told her he was interested in an apartment.

“I haven’t lived on my own in a while and Bucky seems to be enjoying his.” _Yeah, more than you know._

Y/N took Steve out to see a few listings, quickly learning the differences between him and Bucky. Both were pretty reserved although Steve was more inclined to interact with those around him. From little kids to giggling teenagers and their ogling parents, Steve greeted each one, happily posing for pictures and autographs.

Bucky was never recognized, or at least no one had gone up to him when they were together. A hood was pulled over the cap that shadowed his face, his metal hand was always hidden in the pocket of his jacket or hoodie. He walked with purpose letting her lead the way to their next destination.

The truth was there have been times when his enhanced hearing picked up on someone calling his name but Bucky didn’t turn around. He assumed they were calling him to scream at him about the past. It’s happened before, when someone caught him off guard as they shouted, “You killed my Grandpa!” Maybe he did. He’s killed a lot of people, he can’t remember them all.

His past is a red streaked blur, the carnage of his actions hidden behind the thinly veiled mask of death. Grandfathers and grandmothers, men and women alike, and children too he painfully recalled. There was no discrimination with Hydra and like a dog Bucky dutifully followed orders leaving destruction in his wake, ripping lives to shred like they were nothing more than chew toys.

Steve ultimately decided against an apartment, nothing was catching his eye. Well, that’s not entirely true. He had fallen for Y/N; the way her whole body lights up when she smiles, shining like sunlight on the water, her voice was an angel’s song and her laughter was surely the cure to all illnesses.

They had kept in touch since he stopped his search through friendly texts, nothing too serious. Steve didn’t want to overstep any boundaries but he still wanted to get to know her. She always felt guilty texting him back, especially when she was at Bucky’s. Steve was practically his brother but it shouldn’t matter. Y/N wasn’t anything more than Bucky’s clandestine lover. If he wasn’t going to step up and ask her out then why should she say no to someone who would?

“Sorry about that,” Steve said, breaking her from her thoughts.

Y/N relaxed her shoulders, releasing the tension she didn’t realize she was holding. “That’s alright,” she said with a smile.

Hand in hand they traveled back to her apartment and things felt right. When they reached the front of her door Steve gently cupped her cheek as he leaned in to kiss her goodnight.

Steve’s kiss was completely different from Bucky’s. It was soft and slow, his mouth slightly parted but he kept his tongue where he felt it should stay for a first date. He made sure she was safely in her apartment before leaving, unable to see the way Y/N leaned her head back against the door, wiping the tears she didn’t know had formed.

The next day Steve called her just to hear her voice. He missed her, she could tell, though she kept it to herself; and she missed Bucky, something she also kept to herself.

Time moves like molasses when Bucky is not part of Y/N’s world. It had been a week since they last saw each other with no communication since. It was weird not to have contact with each other. They texted nearly every day since Bucky moved in and she saw him almost as often. The silence was disappointing but this is what Y/N told herself she wanted.

Steve had taken her on a perfect date, _in public!_ She was on the arm of someone that cared about her, no longer a secret, and that’s all she wanted. She told herself that if Bucky didn’t need her then she didn’t need him.

It was a nice idea while it lasted.

Y/N’s phone buzzed and her heart skipped a few beats when she saw it was a text from Bucky asking her to come over. Like a moth to the flame she’s already running; detached from any consequences because nothing else mattered anyway, not when Bucky Barnes is the center of her universe.


	3. Chapter 3

Y/N stands below the steps that lead to the dark and heavy doors of Bucky’s apartment building. She steadies her breath, calming the nerves that raced through her body like they’re trying to set a marathon record.

It’s the feeling she gets whenever Bucky texts her, excitement and anguish mixed together like a cocktail, each emotion fighting to be the primary flavor. When they’re together it’s sugary sweet but ultimately when she leaves she feels the full burn of heartbreak. But today is different.

The sconces beside the door glow like faint lanterns but their presence isn’t quite needed, not yet. The sky has just begun to lose its rich pigment, cornflower blue fading away into the horizon blocked by other buildings reaching for the skies. It was early. The earliest she had ever been to Bucky’s apartment.

Moonlight was their calling, the thick cover of night masking her as nothing more than a shadow. Y/N’s stomach churns with unease, discomfort of the complete unknown as to why he would text her before the sun went down.

Bucky didn’t contact her after she left that day, the day she had a date with Steve Rogers. Y/N hates that it was him who asked her out. Of all the people that lived in New York City, Bucky Barnes’ best friend had to ask her.

It was a lie really, plenty of people ask her out all the time but she rejected them all, not bothering to give anyone a chance because her heart belonged to someone that didn’t want it.

The familiar buzz of the door unlocking lets her inside, her heels clack against the stairs, echoing throughout the hallway with every slow step she takes. Y/N doesn’t know what to expect and that fills her with dread but by the time she reaches the top of the stairs her panic dissolves at the sight before her eyes.

Bucky is waiting for her, not hiding behind the sliver of his door frame but in front of it, out in the open, putting himself out there for any nosey neighbor to see. Y/N greeted him with a barely there whisper. Seeing Bucky always takes her breath away but to see him outside of his apartment after all this time was strange. It gave her false hope at a chance of normalcy with him, something she knows they’ll never have.

From the moment Bucky knew Y/N was on her way over his body buzzed with ache and excitement. It had been too long since they saw each other. He craved her, spending sleepless nights tossing and turning in the bed that’s painted with her impression. His skin was tingling with the memory of her touch; his mind was burning, making his whole body tremble in anguish without her.

It was a risky chance, to text her in the hope she would reply. Bucky worried she had moved on from him and even though he wanted her to he couldn’t deny the selfish part of himself that prayed to any deity that was listening to bring her back to him.

His head tilts with a boyish grin as she walks towards him, dressed in a flowy white blouse and slim pants. An oversized cardigan stops at the apex of her thighs but his eyes are drawn to the leopard print of her heels and Bucky fights the urge to pounce on her like a wild animal.

Y/N’s lips pulled into a soft smile as her eyes met his and Bucky’s heart skipped a beat; she’s ethereal, beautiful beyond comprehension. Like a star fallen to earth, she outshines the galaxy.

Bucky’s hand extends towards her as he invites her inside and when she takes it he lets out a sigh of relief, his body relaxing immediately from her touch alone. He’s not the only one who’s affected. With her hand in Bucky’s again Y/N felt like she was returning to a place she was always meant to be. Bucky was home and she never wants to leave him again.

There’s a beat of awkward silence as they stand in his apartment. Her hand is still in his, covered like a blanket in his warmth. Neither of them know what to say but both of them are speeding through conversations they’ve had in their own heads.

Bucky wants to apologize for being an idiot, to tell Y/N she deserves to be treated like the goddess she is and even though he isn’t worthy of her he would give anything if she would give him the chance to be the man she deserves.

But he can’t say that, not all of it, not yet, so he starts out small.

Clearing his throat, Bucky swallows his nerves as he takes a chance at mending things between them. “Thank you for coming over.” He paused, scratching at his temple as he worked up the courage to continue. “I was thinking… we could do something _different_.”

Y/N chewed her lip, curious at Bucky’s words. Everything about today was different already, she wondered what he had in mind.

“Let’s go out for dinner.”

Her stomach lurched. The universe was a cruel place. A week ago she would have jumped at the chance to go anywhere outside Bucky’s apartment with him, but now? She can’t. Bucky is as much of a high profile figure as Steve is so there’s a chance the two of them together would get on Steve’s radar. She hadn’t mentioned Bucky to Steve at all so there would be no way she could play things off as if they had stayed friends after she found him the apartment.

“No,” she said, trying to hide the quiver in her voice.

Bucky dropped her hand from his, rebuilding the wall around his heart faster than Tony’s nano tech. His jaw clenched and he scolded himself for thinking there was ever the possibility of something more between them. He’s just as much of a secret as she was, good enough to fuck but nothing more.

“Let’s stay in. Maybe we could make something together,” she offered. Bucky’s lack of a response worried her. “Or we could order in?” she added, but it was too late.

If fucking was all Bucky was good for then he was going to make sure she got her fill. Darkness flooded the blue of his eyes, his body tensed as he stared at Y/N up and down. “I’ve got all I want right here.”

His hands roughly cupped her cheeks, and Y/N gasped as Bucky pulled her towards him. It was thunder and lightning, electricity of the storm between them coming to a head. Whatever Y/N felt before coming here has washed away with the rain, she gave herself completely to Bucky like she always would.

His lips were on hers with ardent intensity, claiming her mouth with his own. Her tongue found its way to his, lighting the fire inside that burned throughout her whole body. She kissed him until she needed air and even then Y/N pushed her lungs to their limit. Nothing else mattered but the two of them together. 

Bucky spun Y/N around so her back was against him, his hands swept up over her sleeves until he reached her collar, sucking wet kisses onto her neck that made her shiver as he pulled off her cardigan.

She rubbed her ass against Bucky’s prominent hardness, lifting an arm up behind her to stroke the top of his head as he sucked bruises into her neck. Cool metal digits slipped under her shirt, grazing along her stomach before his other hand joined to pull her blouse off.

Y/N’s skin was warm, simmering with desire as Bucky continued his assault on her skin, feeling the vibrations of her moans as he soothed over nips and bites with swirls of his tongue. His hands ran up her sides, brushing against her bra– petal pink and delicate in that feminine way Y/N can play up when she wants to.

Though now she’s all vixen, circling her hips as she seeks out the stiff tent in his pants. Bucky isn’t giving her any relief yet, no, he plans on drawing out her pleasure as slow and torturously as he possibly could.

He undid the button of her pants, slipping his hands beneath to fabric to grab a handful of her ass before sliding the material down to her knees. Y/N shimmied her legs until the fabric fell to her feet, beginning to step out of her heels to get her pants off easier.

“Don’t,” he ordered. “I want them on.”

Her pussy clenched at his commanding tone, rubbing her thighs together to soothe the ache of her core that was desperate for him.

Bucky’s hands went around her waist, goosebumps prickling her skin as he gently skimmed up her torso. Roughly cupping her breasts through her bra, he felt the hardness of her nipples poking through the material.

Y/N licked her lips, throwing her head back as he pulled down the cups of her bra, pinching her pebbled buds as she let out a sinful moan. The sound of her crying out made Bucky want to rip off the lace covering her pussy, another teasing pink that tempted him to take her right there, spread her legs apart and sheath himself inside. His cock twitched again at the thought of her velvet walls surrounding him.

Bucky distracted himself, leaving his metal hand to tweak her nipples while the other wrapped around the column of her throat. Forcing her head to face him, he crashed his lips to hers, devouring her in a feverish kiss of frenzied tongues and clashing teeth. He swallowed her moans, feeling her writhe against him.

He pulled away leaving her panting, breathless and wanting more. His hand left her throat and his finger traced along Y/N’s bottom lip, dragging slowly across her aching mouth before he slipped it inside. Her tongue swirled along his finger, sucking it into her mouth displaying the skills his dick can’t get enough of. A second finger slips in and he makes sure she gets them both nice and wet before pulling them out.

Bucky stares deeply into her eyes, his gaze burning through her, distracting Y/N enough until she feels his fingers slip under her panties, crying out as they rub her throbbing clit. She gasped at the sensation, thankful his arm is around her waist because her legs were sure to give out.

His fingers sink lower to gather her juices, gently teasing her lips as his thumb rubs circles on her clit. Her chest is heaving as she pants, higher and higher she goes, ready to reach her peak. And Bucky knows he should bring her there, let her tumble down in ecstasy in his arms but he won’t, not yet at least.

He pulls his sticky fingers away just before she comes, and Y/N whimpers as she catches her breath. Bucky sucks his fingers, licking her juices until his fingers are clean, smirking as she stares at him in shock.

She scoffed, “Bucky, what the fuck?”

He spins her around to face him, pinning her hands behind her back. A devilish grin spreads across his face as he purrs, “You’ll come when I say you can.”

She shivers at the timbre of his voice, her pussy clenching around nothing, fueling her desire to have him fuck her into oblivion.

Bucky’s hand takes hers as he pulled her towards the couch, patting the cushion for her to sit next to him. He’s as hard as a rock, straining uncomfortably against his jeans. His eyes speak a wordless command as he looks to her, lifting his gaze from the situation in his pants.

Y/N knows what he wants and she’ll give it to him, even though Bucky hasn’t been as generous tonight. She won’t tease him though, she can’t, because if she’s honest with herself she’s been craving to have him stretch her mouth wide.

She rubs him through the material and Bucky’s sucks in a breath. Her hands make quick work to undo the button and pull down his zipper. He helps by lifting his hips as she pulls down his boxers and jeans past his knees, exposing his cock– stiff and angry red, veins pulsing and aching for her.

Her tongue licks the seam of her lips as she leans over Bucky, inhaling his intoxicating musk as she wraps her lips around him. Up and down she swirls along him, bringing him deeper into her mouth. He grabs her hair, holding it back as he rocks his hips. Y/N hums around him, taking him deep until his tip hits the back of her throat.

“Aghhh fuck, s-so good,” Bucky moaned.

She stays there, ignoring the tears in her eyes as she chokes on him because fuck– it feels just as good for her. She’s soaked between her legs, clenching them together because hearing the moans spill from his lips makes her gush.

Bucky lets go of her hair and she releases his cock, gasping for breath.

Her reprieve is brief as she leans over a little further, licking at his balls. Bucky bites his lips as she sucks them into her mouth._ Fuck, she’s incredible._ She is a goddess and her mouth is heaven. He wants to keep teasing her but he can’t, not when she’s so good to him.

His hands find the clasp of her bra, undoing it and pulling it off her. As she takes him in his mouth again he grabs her breasts that rock along with the rhythm of her head bobbing up and down on his length.

Bucky reaches his hand back to squeeze her ass. His finger traces along the lace, up and down along the wet material of her covered folds. He pulls them down and slips two fingers inside of her, curling within her heat. Y/N fucks herself on his digits, moaning around him. Her jaw begins to ache but she doesn’t care, she continues to suck him off, one hand playing with his balls as the other shakes, barely able to hold her up.

She tenses, her orgasm building again, climbing a wall she can’t wait to fall down from. Bucky feels it too, the way her walls clench around his fingers. He could make her come right now, curl his fingers up to that spot that sets off fireworks behind her eyes but he doesn’t. His fingers pull out but before Y/N can voice her annoyance Bucky pulls her on top to straddle him.

Their lips are together again and Bucky can’t deny how hot it is to feel her swollen lips against his, plump from all the attention she’s given his cock. Y/N moves her hips against him as her tongue slips past his lips. She pulls at the hem of his shirt, pulling it off him, bringing her lips to the exposed scarring on his chest.

Y/N loves the parts of him that Bucky can’t stand. The first time she kissed his scars he held back tears and he should have told her how he felt in that moment. If he let it all go then they maybe they would be together– no secrets, no lies. But he lives in the safety of falsehood, where it’s still hard but far easier than telling the truth.

Her breasts press against his bare chest as she rubs his dick against her wetness before sinking down on top of him.

Inch by inch she feels every part of him inside of her, every ridge, every vein stretching her walls. She’s so beautiful like this, riding him in just her heels. Her breasts are bouncing and he can’t help but grab at them, leaning forward to take one into his mouth. His teeth graze at her nipple, gently biting and suckling at the beautiful bud.

She throws her head back in pleasure, circling her hips as she bounces on his cock. Moans spill from her lips as she slows her pace, her walls tightening around him.

“Mmmm, fuck… Bucky… I’m…”

But he lifts her off of him. Bucky denies her once more just to show her he can. She hates him, she hates that she loves him, that even if he’ll tease and torment her and never give her what she wants that she loves him still, down to the deepest part of her soul.

His metal hand reaches to cup Y/N’s face, it’s cool against her burning cheek and she presses against it, lifting her gaze to stare at him with those beautiful eyes he can’t stop dreaming about. Bucky brings his lips to hers, sweetly brushing against them. Their kiss is soft and slow as Y/N languidly grinds her hips on him again.

Bucky doesn’t give her the chance to continue her actions but he won’t deny her pleasure any longer. He hitches her legs around him as he stands up, walking towards the bedroom.

Gently she’s laid down on his bed, eagerly staring as his hands wrap around her legs. He spreads them apart, trailing kisses down her thigh, stopping before he reaches her center. Y/N whimpers with anticipation as he kisses down her other thigh, waiting for the sweet relief of his tongue. The sight of her glistening pussy has Bucky licking his lips, hungry for a taste of the feast she offers.

Bucky thinks about Y/N’s date, wondering if the poor sucker got anywhere with her. It’s not like it mattered anyway, she was here with him, spread out, wanton and waiting for him to claim what they both knew was his.

“Whose pussy is this?” he asked, as metal fingers burned cold running up and down against her hot lips.

“Yours,” Y/N said breathlessly and without hesitation.

Bucky smirked. He pushes aside the unknown competition; he owns this pussy and finally it was time to give her what she needs.

His tongue laps at her folds as she squirms against him, shaking as Y/N arches her back off the mattress as his tongue flicks at her clit. She moans, throaty and breathless, gripping the sheets for purchase as his lips wrap around her sensitive bud sending her straight over the cliffs of pleasure.

Every other word is a curse as she moans his name but truly it’s a blessing as he works miracles on her pussy. She comes again, ignoring the burn of his stubble against her thighs as he shakes his head against her. Y/N grips his hair when it’s too much, clutching at the strands but Bucky doesn’t let up. He licks her through her climax, a devilish gleam catching her gaze, loving as she chews on her lip, grabs her breasts and scrambles to hold onto anything.

He offers his hand, lacing his fingers with hers as his tongue probes her hole. His other hand mirrors their grip and Bucky let’s her fuck his face, her hips undulating as she ascends a countless time. He’s rutting into the sheets, loving the way she’s using him to get off. Y/N cries out, her body shaking after she comes again. Bucky lifts his head, his chin anointed by her juices.

She looks so beautiful, blissed out and trembling as Bucky moves up, tracing the curves of her body with his tongue, tasting the salt of her sweat glistened skin. His lips find hers and she moans softly against him.

His cock is painfully hard and aching to be inside her again but he waits, kissing her sweetly, along her jaw and down her neck. Y/N rocks her hips against him when she’s ready and Bucky flashes his gaze towards her, waiting to see the nod of confirmation and the tiny pull on the corner of her mouth into a soft smile.

Bucky coats himself in her juices, softly pushing in as Y/N gasps. Her nails dig into his muscular back as he stretches her sore pussy, slowing rocking into her. She’s tender and overly sensitive and each thrust borders on pain but she doesn’t care. His cock is a god her cunt was made to worship him.

Heavy breaths fall from her lips, a mix of cries and moans as her lips seek his, desperate for his kiss. He hitches her leg around him to reach deep inside her, the friction of his movements rubbing against her clit.

She’s beautiful when she comes, like an angel singing a song of the gods. Bucky presses his lips against hers, swallowing her moans for a taste of the melody.

His hips thrust in long, hard strokes as he buries himself inside of her.

“Come for me,” she begged him.

Pure devotion is in her eyes as she wraps her arms around him, pulling him close enough so she could run her tongue along the pulsing vein in his neck, laving at his skin.

He feels the rush of euphoric bliss, his eyes shut tight, his balls clench as Bucky grunts out a moan. His hips stutter as he releases himself, painting her walls with his seed.

Bucky stills himself to catch his breath, he’s heavy inside her as feels her velvet walls still pulsing around him. Y/N pushes back the hair from his face, sweetly pressing her lips against his. If he could stay like this forever he would. Inside her cave, in a den of pleasure locked away from the rest of the world.

The air is muggy, hot and filled with the musk of sex. He pulls out of her with a squelch, resting on his back as they lay beside each other in silence. It’s not entirely silent though; he hears the sound of Y/N’s heartbeat, rapidly thrumming against her chest and feels the trembles of her body on the mattress.

“C’mere,” he said, offering his open arms to her.

Y/N turned her head to face him with half sleepy eyes and a slow smile spreading across her beautiful face. She pushes on the mattress in an attempt to twist her body towards him but she can barely lift herself up. He’s fucked the strength from her.

She’s beyond spent so Bucky moves towards her, holding her close to him, letting her soak up his warmth. Wrapped together in his arms he presses a kiss to her warm forehead, content at synching his breath to hers.

Y/N’s throat is bone dry and it’s hard to swallow though she tries. She needs water, Bucky knows this even though he doesn’t want to let her go. With another soft press of his lips to hers he gets out of bed.

She misses him the moment he’s gone, even if it’s only for a few minutes. Y/N hears the sound of the refrigerator door opening, the bottles inside clacking together again as it shuts. Cabinets open and close, a faucet runs and soon she senses he’s back in the room.

“Sweetheart,” he whispered, and Y/N feels a dip on the mattress as he sits next to her.

Y/N picks her head up to see him opening a bottle of water for her. A shaky arm reaches out to take it from him, gulping the ice cold liquid down as if it was more necessary than air.

“May I?” he asked, holding up a washcloth. She nodded, hissing slightly as the cool material presses against the heat of her center. Bucky is gentle as he swipes the cloth along her sensitive flesh.

The towel is tossed to the floor and Y/N sits up beside him. Metal digits graze along her thigh and reflexively she swings her head towards Bucky, looking at him like his smile made the world go round.

From the other side of him Bucky shows her a chocolate bar, her favorite kind that he buys and keeps in his place in case she’s every craving it.

“I was thinking we could order pizza but until then…”

He tears open the wrapper, breaking off a piece of chocolate and holds it between his teeth. His fingers cup her neck while his thumb rests on her cheek as he guides her face towards his. Her parted mouth seeks more than chocolate as Bucky passes the piece along to her, sucking on her bottom lip. Y/N whimpers as his lips mold perfectly to hers, smiling as he pulls away, though he doesn’t go far.

Bucky’s forehead rests against hers as she chews on the half melted chocolate in her mouth. She takes the next piece between her teeth, passing it to him through a kiss that leaves them smiling against each other.

When she feels strong enough they head into the bathroom, cramped in the small shower stall that becomes even smaller together. Y/N stands in front of Bucky as he lathers her hair, blocking the water from getting in her eyes as he rinses it. He’s even more delicate with her body, washing her gently, pressing kisses along her soft skin because he can’t help it.

Wrapped in a towel as she dries off, Bucky places the order for pizza. It’s late but not unreasonably so considering she had arrived so early. He likes the thought of all this time spent with her, and if he could only tell her how he feels maybe there’s a chance for more of this.

Y/N walks out of the bedroom dressed in Bucky’s clothes, a large t-shirt and gym shorts that fall past her knees, looking adorable and sexier than he’s ever seen her in before. Bucky can’t help but to rush over to her, lifting her up in his arms and twirling around just to hear her laugh.

The room stops spinning but his heart is still doing flips in his chest and he kisses her; sweet pecks to her lips, her nose, across her cheeks and down her neck, anywhere he can until their lips meet again, slowly and sensual as his tongue slips past her lips to caress her own.

His kiss stokes the fire of the flame beneath her skin but it’s quickly interrupted by the buzzing doorbell. Bucky sets her down, stealing one more kiss before he tends to the delivery person.

On his couch they sit almost on top of each other with Y/N’s legs folded under her, with her knees knocking against Bucky’s thigh. He loves the contact, feeling her leaning closer to him.

The television is on to fill the silence of the background but Bucky doesn’t hear it. He ignores everything but Y/N and the way her eyes lit up as he opened the box, grabbing a slice and picking at the string of cheese connected to the other slice that she insists was part of the one she picked out.

Bucky smiles as Y/N lays back against the couch with her hand over her stomach after she’s happily stuffed herself. The empty box is tossed on the counter as he takes her hand, intertwining their fingers as they walk towards his bedroom.

Y/N fell asleep the moment her head hit the pillow, before she had gotten the chance to say goodnight to Bucky. He’s right beside her, holding her close as she dreams. A gentle hand moves her hair into place so he could watch the soft flutter of her eyes behind her lids. He hopes she’s dreaming of him.

When Bucky is certain Y/N is asleep, he presses as kiss on her forehead and whispers, “I love you.”


	4. Chapter 4

Bucky is awake to hear the birds begin their morning song. He’s been up for a few hours, unable to sleep much. His heart was racing after his confession, wondering if Y/N heard him, if she would wake up in that moment and– well, Bucky didn’t know what would have happened, but he knows he loves her and he’s certain she loves him back.

He watches her sleep, remembering to have pulled the blinds open the night before. The sun shines on her like an angel and Bucky, after a restless night alone with his thoughts, realizes he’s the devil.

Y/N is everything he’s ever wanted. She’s more than he deserves and somehow she’s here with him, even after all the ways he’s pushed her away. She deserves to be loved the way he wants to love her; to take her out, show her off, have her meet his friends, to step out of the shadows and never go back.

His stomach twists with anticipation, and even though Bucky feels like throwing up he knows this is the right thing to do. He’s going to tell her how he feels and this time he’ll do it when she’s awake. 

Every minute feels like an eternity and he doubts himself as the long seconds pass. He _will _tell her. He _won’t _tell her. He _will _tell her. Bucky wishes she would just wake up so he can stop the debate in his mind. 

Another hour passes by before Y/N’s eyes open, slowly blinking her heavy lids a few times. She sucks in a deep breath, letting out a soft hum as her sleepy eyes finally focus on Bucky. As she stares at him her lips pull into a smile, wondering why the face she’s seen so many times before looks so different. 

Waking up in his bed is not unusual but she can’t figure out what’s changed. His hair is messily splayed out against the pillow, his bright blue eyes are sparkling in the light and– Ahh that’s it. His bedroom is usually darker. 

Having the blinds down was another way to shut out the world, to keep his apartment as their quiet hideaway. Maybe he forgot to shut them but Y/N loves it all the same, to see Bucky lying in his bed as she’s seen countless times before but this time in a new light, in _actual_ light.

Under her soft gaze Bucky is unable to speak, he can barely think straight when she’s looking at him like that. Nerves are bubbling beneath his skin and all he wants to do is pull her into his arms and hold her, and so he does.

Bucky shifts on his back, bringing Y/N’s head to rest on his chest as his arm wraps around her, holding her close enough to press his lips to her forehead for a soft kiss. She smiles against his skin, curling her body impossibly close to his.

She brings her hand above his heart and Bucky wonders if she could feel it skip a beat. His heart is hers, it always has been and he wants to give it to her like he should have from the moment they met. 

He feels her relax against him and a soft snore tells him Y/N’s fallen back to sleep. It’s okay, he chuckles to himself. After the night they had she deserves it, and Bucky has the rest of his life to tell her how he feels.

When Y/N wakes up again she’s greeted by Bucky’s bright smile. He peppers soft kisses all over her face, sweeping across her forehead, one for each cheek, her chin, the gentlest one on her nose until finally his lips connect with hers. 

“You’re so beautiful,” Bucky said, sighing softly as he curled his lips into a smile.

Y/N dips her head down away from his gaze, nervous embarrassment washes over her. Everything about this morning seemed so different. So unlike any other time she’s woken up with him and she smiles, feeling her heart hurt a little less than it had been.

“So are you,” she cooed, grinning from ear to ear as Bucky’s cheeks tinge with a dust of pink.

“Me?” he questioned, gesturing towards himself, “No, no way.”

“Yes way.” Y/N nodded, craning her neck to press her lips to Bucky’s.

He scooped her into his arm, surprising Y/N as he rolled her onto her back, keeping their lips connected as their lips continued to mold perfectly together. Bucky never wanted this to end, his lips on hers, cradling Y/N in his arms; he would sell whatever is left of his soul to make it happen.

Reluctantly Y/N broke away to take a breath for air, a quick inhale before returning her lips to where they felt the most at home. After a few pecks Bucky felt her smile against him. 

“How do pancakes sound?” he proposed.

Y/N hummed in delight and so they got out of bed, taking a few minutes for themselves to wash up before they began. Mixing bowls and other cooking utensils had collected dust in his drawers and cabinets so Bucky took to washing them first as Y/N combed through the pantry and fridge for everything they needed.

She held onto his hips briefly as she sidestepped him in the cramped kitchen, and everything about it felt so domestic. Bucky wants to feel this all the time. He pictures them cooking together each night, and him lifting her onto the counter to steal a kiss or two. 

His mind drifts to another future, one where he and Y/N cook together as a little one sits in a high chair, watching their parents hopelessly in love. He chokes back his tears, coughing to clear away the tight lump that sits in the back of his throat. 

That is everything Bucky has ever wanted and he wants it with Y/N. 

They sift the dry ingredients together, pouring in the wet ones as Bucky uses his metal arm to manually whisk, ensuring everything is mixed together. Y/N adds a small amount of oil to the large skillet, hissing when a crackle splashes back at her skin. Her pain is soothed away by Bucky’s kiss and her heart is fluttering again. 

It’s the little ways Bucky shows affection that make her believe he loves her, even if it’s a tiny sliver of his heart she knows that he cares deeply.

Together they ate and cleaned up, all while making sure they were connected in some way, Y/N’s fingers caressing Bucky’s as they sat together, his arms around her waist, nuzzling himself into her neck as she did the dishes. They couldn’t have asked for a more perfect morning.

It was no coincidence that Bucky texted her last night, knowing that they would wake up together on Y/N’s day off. She still fielded phone calls but this was the day she kept for herself to run errands or relax. With no plans on the horizon Bucky knows he’ll have her full attention when he finally lets Y/N know how he feels.

“Have you seen my bra anywhere?” Y/N asked, scanning the floors with other clothes folded over her arm.

“Leaving me already doll?” Bucky teased with a smile, though inside he was worried she really was leaving so soon.

“I have a facial at noon so I wanted some time to freshen up before I got there.”

Bucky pulls her bra out from underneath the couch, handing it over. “If you wanted a facial all ya had to do was ask.” 

He smirked, raising his eyebrows as Y/N laughed, a bright smile beaming on her face.

“Will you come back afterwards?” Bucky asked. “I-If you’re not busy of course.” He nervously added, trying to still the quiver in his voice. 

Y/N was speechless. Her teeth grazed her bottom lip since that was better than leaving it hanging open in shock. For a moment she thought this might be a dream, this morning was too sweet to be real and yet it was. 

Her eyes were full of excited disbelief as she accepted this truth, Bucky wanted to spend more time with her, and during the day! She was tempted to cancel her appointment altogether and take Bucky up on his own offer but she didn’t want to seem too eager. 

Even though she was screaming inside, holding herself back from jumping with joy she answered him with a coy, “Maybe.” 

A smile is plastered on Bucky’s face as he walks to the bathroom knowing her answer was more than likely a definite. He leaves Y/N to change while he thinks about the perfect way to tell her his admission when she comes back. Maybe he’ll surprise her with something romantic, long stemmed roses and chocolate covered strawberries. 

He’ll light warm scented candles throughout the room, dim the lights as he plays an old jazz standard for them to slow dance to. And with his hand on the small of her back he’ll pull her closer to him as he stares into her eyes, letting her know “Everything about my life has been hard but loving you was the easiest decision I ever made. I’m sorry it took me so long to tell you.”

Y/N changes fairly quickly out of Bucky’s clothes, folding them over the arm of the couch before she puts on her bra, followed by her blouse. Wrinkles have set into the delicate material but she doesn’t care. She slips her pants on without underwear because Bucky’s last minute call did not leave her any time to bring a change of clothes. She’ll deal with it for now, luckily she doesn’t have to go that far to get home. 

She grabs her phone from her bag after neglecting it all night. The battery was drained quite a bit from all the notifications she received. A few voicemails from new clients asking for her services, a lot of emails– confirming the catering for an open house, replies to listings she sent to a buyer and spam in between. She checks her messages, scanning through business and personal texts alike until she stops at one message.

**Steve:** Hi Y/N, the moon is beautiful tonight.. it reminded me of you. I’d love to take you out again, if you want. I hope you’re having a good night. Steve.

Peeking out from behind the wall Bucky is frozen in his steps. His smile faded the moment he saw Y/N looking down at her phone grinning from ear to ear. Whatever she’s looking at is not business related, he can tell.

He knows that smile as well as he knows every part of her. She’s looking at her phone the way she looks at him, with a gleam in her eye and her heart open and waiting. He knows who that message is from– her date, watching as she tilts her head, chewing on her bottom lip. Her fingers are quick to write back as she paces, careless of the way she’s stomping all over his unspoken plans. 

Knowing they were still in contact made him feel like he was going back under the ice. His heart slowed, every pump was a dull thud as it began to harden. His blood froze in his body as he became colder and colder until his emotions were as frozen as solid rock.

And that’s what Bucky had to be, frigid, numb and nothing more. He doesn’t know why he ever believed she could warm him. Y/N doesn’t care, not if her heart skips a beat for someone other than him. She wouldn’t be able to deny that, he hears it along with the hitch of her breathe, the way her heart beats a little faster the longer she stares at her phone.

Bucky walks out from the shadows, watching with a knowing sneer as she fumbles with her phone upon hearing his heavy steps. She chucks it back into her bag as she steps into her heels, trying to act casual but he can see right through her.

He breaks the uncomfortable silence with an uncomfortable question. “So how was your date?” 

Her guard is up immediately, mirroring the thick blanket of protection Bucky has around himself. 

“Why do you care?” she countered.

Bucky shrugs, the corners of his lips pulling down into a deep scowl. “I just want to know.” More like he wants to torture himself, each detail another glacier building around his heart.

“It was really good actually.” Every word held back her rage, wondering why he had the audacity to even bring this up. Y/N was insincere as she gave him a tight lipped grin, crossing her arms over her chest. 

“Oh yeah?” Bucky taunted her, as his brows furrowed deeply. 

Her voice trembled as Y/N holds back tears, knowing the full truth about her date would be too cruel to admit no matter how bad Bucky was trying to hurt her. 

“Yeah. He’s really sweet and I think I could like him a lot…”

Her words are true, she _could _like Steve a lot, love him even if Bucky didn’t already own her heart.

Y/N tilted her head to the ceiling to stop the tears from falling. “Bucky, when are we going to stop this? Stop fucking me around! This has been going on for _so long_.” 

Her throat strains as she pleads for him but Bucky is stubborn and hurt, and it’s wrong but he wants her to hurt too. 

“I love you,” she declared, as tears streaked down her burning hot cheeks. “Just say it back to me, _please_. Don’t make me beg.”

His lips press together into a tight line, he fights to keep them that way. She’s giving him an out, a way to come clean with the truth but he seals his mouth with stupidity and let’s her cry instead. 

“I know you love me, Bucky…” Y/N’s mouth quivered as she stood before him, opening up to Bucky like she should have a long time ago. “Just say the words.” Her voice was a barely there whisper as she stood there, begging, pleading, waiting for him to do it.

Bucky is holding headstrong in his silence. It hurts him so much to see her like this, crying, and over him no less. He wants to pull her into his arms, tell her what he whispered in her ear, shout his declaration of love so loud that the whole universe could hear him but he doesn’t. 

He’s too stubborn to admit his faults, every way he’s wronged Y/N since they met, even though he knows he should. Bucky is a scared dog with his tail between his legs, but he’s on the attack, covering up his emotions with vicious indifference. 

The words are never spoken and Y/N leaves in a rush, grabbing her things and racing out of his building as fast as she could. Her vision is blurred by a waterfall of tears and she promises herself to let Bucky go. She has someone new in her life, someone who could love her the way Bucky can’t.

***

Two weeks go by without contact but every time Y/N’s phone lit she hoped it was Bucky. She imagined several scenarios where he texted an apology and she forgave him, jumping into his arms and never wanting to let him go. In other daydreams he would text her without an apology, asking her to come over for sex and she chastised herself for even entertaining the idea that she would do it.

Bucky doesn’t treat her right. She knows that. He fucks her so good but she doesn’t mean anything more to him than that. Still, it’s hard to get over him.

Steve is a nice distraction though Y/N hates herself for using him to get her mind off of her heartbreak. When they’re together she can’t help but think about Bucky, struggling to maintain a neutral face as Steve talks about their past. She interrupts him with a kiss, molding her lips to his to force out the pain, replacing the memory of him with Steve. 

It works for a while until she saw a missed call from Bucky. A wave of nausea hits as she stares at the notification. _Was it a mistake?_ There was no voicemail, no new text message. _Did he miss her?_ She checked her messages to see if he was in the middle of typing anything but there was nothing. She’ll never know the truth about the call because she won’t contact him back, no matter how badly she wants to. 

Sleep did not come easily. Y/N tossed and turned for hours, fighting with her inner voice about calling him. Her phone is turned off, and on, and off again as she battles her will. She stomps across her apartment, picking at her cuticles, wringing her hands, shaking as she sits on her bathroom floor with her back against the cold tub, tears flooding her eyes as she begs her mind to let Bucky go. 

At work she’s lost and vacant, unable to concentrate as she talks to clients because in the back of her mind she’s forcing herself not to drop everything and run to Bucky’s apartment. Her mind and heart are at war and Y/N knows there will be no real winner. There’s only one thing she can do…

***

A month has gone by and Bucky can’t stand to be at his apartment anymore. Every surface is stained with the memory of her and he needs a break. A big mission is coming up and he’s thankful he can leave.

In fact, he’s going to head to the Tower a few days early. He’ll say it’s to brief himself on the mission and connect with the team again before they head out. He’ll do anything to stay busy, even if it means enduring all of Sam’s shit. He’ll welcome that actually, as long as it takes his mind off of Y/N.

***

Bucky laughs genuinely for the first time in a while as he watches Clint feed his new rescue dog Lucky. The one-eyed retriever had apparently helped Clint during a solo mission, and together they can finish off a whole pizza in record time.

He didn’t realize how much he missed being around everyone and it was nice to be back. He thinks that after this mission he might move into the Tower for a while and catch up on everyone's lives. Tony had been busy creating some new nano suits that Bucky was pretty interested in seeing and Steve, well he’s been absent all day, but Bucky would love to spend some time with him too. With Y/N out of his life he could use his best friend to take his mind off of her.

Just the thought of Y/N betrays his senses. He can smell her perfume, that sweet mixture that reminds him of blossoming spring. His nostrils flare as they take in the scent that grows stronger. It’s not in his mind.

He turned around entirely too fast and yet it felt like it took forever to confirm what couldn’t be true.

Y/N is there.

A smile is stretched across her face, clearly she hasn’t seen him. How can she? Not when her gaze is focused on the face of the man whose arm is wrapped around her.

“Steve, look who’s back!” Sam shouted across the room.

Steve’s eyes grew wide as he saw Bucky, his mouth pulling into a large grin as he walked towards him. Bucky noticed the flush on Steve’s cheeks, and the way Y/N’s hair was slightly mussed. He’s seen it before, a million times over in the way she would run her fingers through her strands in an attempt to look presentable after they’ve fucked. 

She’s glowing too, another painful reminder of the way she radiates after she comes, but this time Bucky wasn’t the one bringing her over the edge of ecstasy.

Steve dropped his arm around Y/N, oblivious to the way he had practically been shuffling her along in his grip from the moment she saw Bucky standing there. 

Bucky is wrapped in a tight hug and he wills his hands to come up to Steve’s back. _Does she mark him too? Leave half-crescent marks along his skin as she cries out with pleasure?_

Steve steps back for a moment, reaching his hand out to Y/N who takes it with a smile. “Buck, you remember Y/N?” 

He nods, forcing his lips to curl into the tiniest smile, holding back the vomit he feels burning up his throat because Bucky knows what’s coming next.

“Well,” Steve began, dropping his head down to hide the blush creeping upon his already reddened cheeks, “She’s my girlfriend.” 

He stated it proudly, pressing a kiss to Y/N’s temple, claiming her right in front of him! _Doesn’t he know?_ No, he can’t. Steve wouldn’t be with Y/N if he did. 

“How are you Bucky?” she asked. 

Y/N’s smart as she remembered to smile. She’s learned enough from her time with Bucky to know that everyone is always watching and she can’t let on to their past.

“‘M good,” he lied, his heart breaking a little more as he realized she was wearing Steve’s clothes.

“How’s the apartment?”

It was a painful question for both of them but if they were going to keep up the pretense that this is their first reunion in over a year then it had to be asked. 

“Good.” _Lonely without you._ “And you’ve been well?” 

She nodded and smiled, “Yeah, great!” _No, I’m miserable without you._

“I’m so glad you’re back Buck, we have a lot to catch up on,” Steve interrupted. 

Bucky chuckled uncomfortably. “Me too.”

Steve takes her hand as they walk towards the fridge, with Y/N stopping to pet Lucky. The dog jumped up, trying to lick her in return. She always had a way with bringing a smile to broken things.

Bucky burns a hole through her that he knows she can feel. Her hand trembles as she takes a bottle of water from Steve’s hand to quench her thirst, reminiscent of all the times he’s taken care of her after sex. It’s like watching his memories play out like a movie, except he’s been recast, set aside for a better person to play the part.

He can’t blame her, Steve _is_ better than him. He’s everything Bucky isn't, the good to his evil, the man who’s always worn his heart on his sleeve while Bucky whispers his affections like a secret. 

Steve is the man Bucky thought he would be in that silly dream that never had a chance of coming true. The dream he wanted with Y/N but he pushed her away from the start. It’s no wonder she’s in the arms of someone else, but seeing her with Steve hurts more than it should.


	5. Chapter 5

Bucky’s fists pound at the heavy punching bag whose hinges creak with every powerful punch. His jaw is clenched tight, sweat clinging to his brow as he lets his frustrations flow through each hit.

This is healthy. Healthier than punching through the wall again, healthier than drinking himself sick with Asgardian mead; but Bucky feels anything but healthy.

He couldn’t sleep after seeing Y/N and Steve. All night he had to pretend in front of everyone that his heart wasn’t ripped out right before their eyes. He sat away from them during dinner, trying to distract his mind with anything but the new couple that everyone couldn’t help fawn over.

“I’m real happy for him. Steve deserves someone good like Y/N,” Sam said, as Bucky nearly choked on his steak.

Sam leaned in, unaware of the sudden panic on Bucky’s face as he gulped down some water. “And so do you man. I know you’ve been out of the game for a while but I think you need to jump back in.”

Bucky was silent as he stared at Sam. _If only he knew the truth._ Sam continued rambling on about his ideas for the two of them going out to pick up women but Bucky ignored him. The perfect woman was sitting a few feet away from him and he fucked it all up.

That night Bucky paced in his room, staring at the wall with daggers in his eyes. Y/N was on the other side in Steve’s room. _Does she know he’s right there? Is she keeping quiet as Steve thrusts into her?_

His heart was pounding faster the longer he thought about it. He didn’t dare listen at the wall, imagining Steve fucking Y/N was bad enough. So Bucky stomped his way to the gym, fueled by rage and sorrow, punching away until he and the bag collapsed on the floor.

Sweat dripped onto the mat and Bucky tucked soaked tendrils of hair behind his ear. He was breathing hard and heavy, nostrils flaring as he unwrapped the tape off his flesh hand, throwing the crumpled pile away from him.

His mind was a whirlwind of incoherent thoughts, unable to focus and yet there was only one thing he could think about. The memory of whatever his relationship with Y/N was now a vengeful spirit that haunted every second of his existence.

Bucky hated how happy she looked with Steve, before she saw him there. It should have been him that made her smile, kissing her soft lips and telling her over and over each day how much he loved her, because he does. He still does.

After cleaning up Bucky went back to his room for a shower. The hot stream of water helped his aching muscles but they didn’t soothe his mind. Tears burned their way to his eyes and Bucky let himself cry for the first time, knowing he’s lost her for good.

He barely combed through his hair before he pulled it back into a bun, wearing nothing besides a musky pair of sweatpants that had been sitting in the drawer for too long. He didn’t care. They were the only ones Y/N had never borrowed so he put them on.

From his nightstand Bucky took out a flask of mead and took a swig. He hesitated, looking down at the Asgardian markings engraved in the metal before swallowing down the entire thing. There was no point in trying to pretend that Bucky could handle losing Y/N. His head hit the pillow and he passed out, hoping to forget her.

***

There was no place for Bucky.

His apartment is filled with the memory of Y/N and now there’s nowhere to go to escape her.

Everyday leading up to the mission she’s been at the Tower, with Steve proudly showing her off like Bucky should have. He hates watching them together, to see her beautiful face shine from the light of Steve’s open heart.

Bucky tries to stay away but he can’t help but run into them, avoiding Y/N’s gaze as Steve stops him in the hallway asking him to join everyone for dinner. Bucky stopped taking his meals with the team after that first night. He couldn’t bear to watch Steve kiss Y/N. Every small peck, every press of his lips against hers was another knife in his shattered heart.

As much as it hurt, Bucky was happy for her. Y/N deserved someone good and there isn’t anyone better than Steve.

***

Goodbye’s have never been easy for Y/N. She wondered if that’s why she dragged out her secret rendezvous with Bucky for so long. Something about “goodbye” seemed so final.

Whenever she left his apartment she said goodbye in different ways, a lopsided smile with an awkward wave, a “see you later” because even though the term is thrown around a lot Y/N knew there was a good chance she would be seeing him later on, and on a rare occasion Bucky would wrap his arms around her for a hug.

Silence was all they needed as their bodies did the talking with Y/N squeezing her arms around him a little tighter before they broke apart. She inhaled his scent into her soul, hoping it would linger for a while.

Today the weight of goodbye has never been heavier. The Avengers were about to embark on a mission, one she learned through hushed whispers is going to be dangerous.

She said goodbye to some of them already, watching as Sam, Natasha and Wanda walk outside to the jet on the landing pad. The wind is whipping their hair in every direction though Natasha seemed unfazed. Clint followed behind after giving a long goodbye to Lucky, promising him a feast when he returned.

“Where’s Barnes?” Tony asked, exiting the elevator in nothing more than what looked like a combat tracksuit with a glowing blue triangle on his chest.

Unease set in Y/N’s stomach at the sound of his name though her face remained unchanged in front of Steve. There was no need to keep up any pretense, she had been nervous since the start of their morning as she knew time would pass too quickly for her liking before Steve had to go.

“’M here,” called a voice.

Bucky trudged out from the other hallway and Y/N had to force her jaw not to drop. She had always seen him in casual clothes, layered jackets and baseball caps or her most favorite outfit, a towel wrapped low around his hips, showing off sharp cuts of carved muscle and a sinful dark trail that reads like a map to treasure.

She had seen photos of him in his gear, the same few stock images cycled around from one media outlet to the next, but to see Bucky in person made her legs clench together.

His torso was wrapped in dark leather buckles, one sleeve missing to show off that sleek and sexy metal arm. His thighs tested the fabric of his pants with her attention drawn to the knife holstered on his leg. His hair was loose, his lips were pink and plump and her tongue wets her own lips in memory of their last encounter, but when Y/N sees his eyes everything stops.

The bags under his eyes are a deep purple and cadaver grey, and in the depths of sunken pits is the memory of vibrant blue, now faded over with a dull haze. It’s as if the life had been sucked out of them and if asked Bucky would agree that’s true. He’s felt like a zombie since he saw Y/N with Steve, his heart now a useless organ as he’s become a lost soul, wandering without purpose.

“Later kiddo,” Tony waved in her direction before heading out.

Y/N waved him off, catching Bucky’s gaze as he stood beside the door to wait for Steve or at least that’s what she thought. If what he was told about this mission is true Bucky wants to reinforce his memory of Y/N, capturing her image one last time. If he doesn’t come back he wants to ensure the last thing he remembers before he leaves this earth is her.

Steve wrapped his arms around Y/N and Bucky hated the way she squeezed him back just as tight. His head tilts to capture her lips and though Bucky wants to look away, he can’t. Steve’s gloved hand caresses her cheek, taking a deep breath as he lets his nerves out with a loud exhale.

“I know it’s kind of soon but I need you to know this before I go, I love you Y/N.”

Y/N’s lip trembles at his words. Tears commence their flow, a steady stream running down her cheeks at his declaration. They’ve been together for such a short amount of time. _How can he say it so freely?_ She knows he isn’t lying.

Steve was open with his feelings from the start, a little shy and insecure at first having not been on a date in quite some time but the more time they spent together his confidence grew and he did not hesitate to shower her with affection. From soft kisses to her temple to the way his large muscles enveloped her in his warmth, especially when they would cuddle up together to watch movies. Y/N always felt his gaze on her, the soft smile shining from his sparkling eyes, bright and clear like the crystalline oceans off a tropical island.

They were not like Bucky’s, steel blue that held on to the harshest days of his past, fogging over his mind. Yet when they were together Y/N saw the transformation as he was able to let go and be in the moment of loving her.

That’s a lie. Bucky doesn’t love her. At one time she thought he did. There were plenty of moments Y/N thought he might have said it but that day never came, not even when she tearfully pleaded for him to do so. She’s been with Steve for just over a month and he’s given his heart like it was always meant for her.

“I love you too, Steve,” she sobbed.

It’s the truth, Y/N does love him but she’s not _in_ love with him and she hates herself a little more because deep down she knows she can’t let Bucky go. Her soul craves him on an immeasurable level. The realization hits her like a wave of bricks and she does her best to hold it together in front of both of them.

Bucky should have left for the jet. He didn’t want to hear those words falling from her lips, the words that were meant for him. His jaw was tense as he waited for Steve to finish with Y/N. It was their routine to walk out together ever since they were reunited. Best friends, ‘til the end of the line, blah blah… Bucky doesn’t feel like a good best friend, not when he’s been hiding his last year with Y/N from him.

Steve’s thumb brushes the tears off her delicate skin, his lips caress hers once more before he pulls her into one last hug that lingered just a little bit. Y/N’s head peeked over Steve’s shoulder, staring at Bucky until he could feel her gaze on him.

His slumped shoulders lifted his head up to watch as she whispered, “Stay safe,” pleading the message for Steve and the man she still loved.

She watched them walk together, two men similar in so many ways and yet totally different; and still she loved them both. Bucky pulled the glass door shut, giving her one final gaze, a broken man’s glance, before he walked out to the jet.


	6. Chapter 6

Steve limps off the jet, supported by Sam and Bucky on each side; both men in just as much pain but Steve had gotten it the worst. 

Everyone is hurt in different ways. Wanda broke her wrist, holding her arm gently as she follows the group towards the med bay, hoping she doesn’t need surgery. Tony grunts with each step, every muscle in his body aching as the particles that make up his suit retreat to the chamber on his chest.

Natasha takes the gauze off the gash on her forehead, checking for any fresh blood. She smirks as Clint passes by, calling out for Lucky. The dog runs out jumping on Clint, ignoring the two black eyes and a splint going across his nose. This isn’t the first time it’s broken and it won’t be the last either but Lucky doesn’t care as his tongue laps away at Clint’s face.

The medical staff is overwhelmed by everyone rushing in. Steve fights the help he desperately needs, hissing through a clenched jaw as he tries to ensure the team gets treated first for their injuries.

“Easy Cap.” Sam forces Steve to lie back on the table. “You gotta let them fix you up, alright? You don’t wanna worry your girl too much.” Bucky’s expression drops but he continues to help Steve out of his gear.

All Steve could think about was Y/N, aside from the throbbing in his head, most likely a concussion. His leg was aching too from the thick piece of metal that lodged itself in there.

He expects to heal quickly but between the other injuries he has his body is going to be working overtime.

He reaches for his phone, catching a glimpse of his shadowed reflection against the dark screen. His busted lip is swollen, his skin is covered in dirt, caked with blood and sweat. He feels as bad as he looks, maybe worse but he’s holding it together for everyone.

It’s earlier than he thought, having been on the plane for hours, drifting in and out he didn’t quite pay attention to the time. He reviewed the message he sent Y/N as they were headed back to the Tower.

**Steve:** Hi sweetheart, we’re on our way back. I’m pretty banged up but I don’t want you to worry. I’ll be alright in a few days. You might not want to see me until then, not by the way my face is looking right now. I miss you and I love you. Steve.

She had only replied to him fairly recently, letting him know she was on her way and seeing that message made his heart feel lighter. The truth was Y/N missed Steve’s initial text. She was keeping herself extra busy with work during his week long absence. Her phone was on silent as she hosted an open house for potential buyers.

As soon as it was over she locked up and grabbed a cab, racing to the Tower, not caring that her feet were aching from the heels she’s been in all day. Steve was hurt and it sounded bad, and all she wanted to do was see him. Her stomach twisted itself into knots during the prolonged car ride thanks to early evening traffic but she was nearly there.

When she pulled up to the front of the Tower she paid the cab driver, ignoring his questions about who she might be and why she was going into the headquarters of the Avengers. It wasn’t on purpose but all she could think about was Steve, guilt eating away at her as she realized she hadn’t thought about him much since he left, not since she shared that longing gaze with Bucky.

At the entrance Y/N is greeted by the familiar faces of the security guards who send her up to the medical wing. As the elevator doors opened she dashed to her left, heels clattering against the polished floor, ignoring the pain in her feet as she walked briskly towards her destination.

She stopped in the hallway at the sight of Bucky closing a door behind him. He looked even more tired than when she last saw him. His face was covered in a film of grime with greasy strands tucked behind his ear.

His mouth falls open when he sees how incredible she looks. A simple black dress has never looked better and the leather jacket she wears over it makes his cock stir, and _fuck_, those shoes. Pointed toe pumps with straps all over covered in dangerous looking studs. He would kill to feel those scrape against his back as he fucks her.

Bucky stops, ignoring the throb in his pants. He can’t think like that anymore. His lips press into a somber thin line and he looks away from her. Y/N opened her mouth to say something but Bucky doesn’t have the strength to hear it. He brushes past her, inhaling her scent, that sweet fragrance that’s been tainted with worry, over Steve.

Y/N takes deep breath, pushing Bucky out of her mind as she heads inside Steve’s room. He’s happy to see her, his lips pulling into a soft smile that aches at the moment but he pushes through. Tears fall down her cheeks as she sees the aftermath of the mission, beaten into his face.

“I’m alright sweetheart, I promise,” Steve reassured.

Y/N sat on the chair beside his bed, lacing her fingers with his. Tears continued their stream as she took note of every cut on what was once flawless skin, with red abrasions standing out like a cardinal in the snow.

“I’ll be better in no time, I’m a super soldier, remember?”

Another smile stretches across his face as Steve tries to lighten the mood, this time pulling a little too much as his lip splits open again. Y/N grabs some gauze pads, gently dabbing at the blood.

“You don’t look very super now Steve.” She frowned, sniffling. “Why didn’t you ask me to come over?”

“I didn’t want you to worry about me… but I’m glad you’re here.” He caressed her cheek and Y/N leaned into his warm palm.

She didn’t come because of Steve’s message.

_When she finally got to her screen after the open house the message she saw had nearly given her a heart attack. Bucky. Seeing his name above a text message made her thoughts split into a million scenarios of why he was contacting her. _Is he hurt? Is he dead?_ After reading the text she held back tears._

_**Bucky:** We’re back, Steve’s hurt. you should come see him_

“Please don’t cry,” Steve murmured, wiping away her tears with his thumb.

“I love you Steve,” Y/N said.

Leaning down, she gently pressed her lips against his swollen ones, feeling him wince against her. She pulled away with a coppery taste in her mouth, a soured reflection of her relationship with Steve.

Hours later Bucky came back to check on Steve not realizing Y/N was still there. He froze, blushing with embarrassment, staring at them in fear as if they had been able to see what has occupied him the last few hours.

Bucky was freshly showered, his hair finally soft and clean again though he felt nothing but dirty. In the shower he stroked himself, tugging at his balls, swiping at his leaking tip with his thumb over and over again to the image of Y/N in that outfit. He groaned as he came, hot ropes painting the tiled walls of his shower, wishing he was buried inside her heat again.

Steve’s eyes lit up as he greeted Bucky.

“Just checkin’ in to see how you’re feeling pal.” Bucky smiled uncomfortably, glancing over at Y/N as she was mid-yawn.

“Better now that my best girl came to see me.”

Y/N smiled softly at him before covering her mouth to hide another yawn.

“You should go home sweetheart.” Steve turned his head towards Bucky, “It’s late. Would you mind taking Y/N home, Buck?”

Her yawn was cut off by the immediate tingle of fear that ran down her spine. “No, no it’s okay Steve. You’ve all had a long trip back. I can get home myself.”

Y/N slipped her heels back on, limping slightly as she walked to grab her jacket from where it was hung. She missed the silent look Steve shared with Bucky, the one that meant he was trusting him with getting her home safe and Bucky knew there was no room for argument.

Bucky gave them a few minutes to say goodbye as he went back to his room to grab his phone and keys, as a bad feeling burned a hole in his stomach.

***

The ride to her apartment was awkward, with the radio filling the void of silence. Bucky was trying not to stare at her bare legs, and how desperate he was to be between them again. He focused on the road instead, driving to Y/N’s apartment, a place in all the time they’ve spent together he’s never been. He frowned, not realizing how close she lived to him.

“It’s this one,” she cleared her throat, pointing it out as he slowed down on her block.

Bucky found a spot a few doors down from her building. Y/N was surprised when he turned off the engine, and even more surprised when he opened her door for her. Bucky offered her his arm to step down from the tall SUV.

“Thank you,” she said softly as she held on to him.

It felt so strange to be walking with Y/N to her apartment but Bucky promised himself he would only walk her to the front door to make sure she gets inside safely. It’s what Steve would want. He followed behind Y/N, averting his eyes from her tantalizing backside.

Focusing on her shoes isn’t any better but it does allow him the ability to see as her foot stumbles on the step. Quickly he reaches out for her, his arms instinctively going around her waist to ensure she doesn’t fall.

“I’m fine,” Y/N said, swallowing harshly, very much aware of Bucky’s firm grip around her.

Bucky was aware of it too, feeling the way her stomach tensed against him so he let go. Y/N held the banister as she continued to walk up the steps, holding back a whimper from the radiating ache in her foot.

At the top of the steps she digs in her bag for her keys and Bucky notices how she shifted her weight to the other foot.

“Those shoes are incredibly sexy but impractical for walking.”

With her key in the door Y/N paused at Bucky’s words, and Bucky, turning a not so subtle shade of pink must have realized what he said as well.

Y/N opened the door, limping again as she took a step inside. She was about to thank him before Bucky followed her in.

“What floor are you on?”

Her brows furrowed as she answered warily, “The fifth.”

Just like Bucky’s building, Y/N’s had no elevator and there was no way he was going to let her struggle up the steps.

“C’mere,” he said, gesturing his arms open.

Bucky waited for Y/N to step towards him before he scooped her up bridal style. Her heart was pounding as she looped her arm around his neck, her stomach twisting with unease about how right it felt to be in his arms again.

She gazes at Bucky and up close she can see the rough patches around his temple and on his cheek, light red scrapes that have already begun to heal. She adjusted her grip as he continued to walk up the steps, feeling the puffs of breath he was blowing out from his nose.

Bucky can bench press ten times her weight so she’s not offended. He’s hurt, and he’s hiding it. By the time they reach the top she can feel the rapid beat of his heart and the heaviness of his breathing.

Y/N points towards her door and Bucky sets her down gently.

“Thank you.” She smiled, taking a deep breath of her own before speaking again. “Do you want to come in and rest for a few minutes? Maybe I can get you a glass of water or something?”

Bucky huffs out another breath, contemplating what he should do. Water does sound good right now and he could take a minute to get his breathing under control but he knows he shouldn’t stay. His arid throat makes the decision for him. Y/N swallows a deep breath of her own; this isn’t a big deal, it’s just water.

She unlocks her door, swinging it open as she blindly reaches her arm out on the wall for the light switch. Bucky shuts the door behind them, locking them all out of habit. Y/N leans against the wall as she takes off her heels, feeling immediate relief as her feet hit the cold wood floor.

Leading Bucky further into her apartment he passes the small kitchen in a nook off to the right and the circular glass table to the left with a beautiful bouquet of fresh flowers in the center. Their fragrance permeates the air, a sweet resemblance to her perfume. He wondered if she bought them for herself or if they were from Steve. _I should have bought her flowers._

Bucky finds himself in her living room that is somewhat similar to his own. Candles of varying heights line the fireplace, the mantle is a simple beam of wood, distressed enough to match the aged brick surround.

Ignoring the modest television above the mantle, Bucky smiles instead as he glances over to the right. Through the glass paneled doors of a small accent cabinet Bucky can see the well worn spines of the books that filled the shelves. It was a shame he never asked her about the things they have in common. His heart skips a sullen beat as he realizes he’s known her for so long and yet there’s so much he doesn’t know.

He sits on the comfortable couch, watching Y/N walk with a slightly uneven gait as she heads back towards the kitchen.

“Did you want something other than water?”

“No, that’s fine,” Bucky called back to her.

He never really thought about Y/N’s apartment before being as they were always at his place, but as he looks around everything makes sense. The decor is a perfect reflection of her personality. He cranes his neck around to check out the art she has hanging above the couch, twisting a little too far and feeling an uncomfortable pull.

His hand reaches back to feel the gauze covering stitches he had to get. He feels the slight dampness of blood, confirming he’s pulled them. He rushes off the couch, not wanting to get blood on her furniture.

“Here you g–” Y/N stops, placing the water on the table the moment she saw Bucky’s tense face. “Are you okay?”

His lips formed a thin line. “Pulled my stitches.”

“Oh Bucky, let me help you.”

Y/N took him into the bathroom and they pass the entry to her bedroom. Bucky tries not to peek inside but he gets a glimpse of dim lighting reflecting soft colors. He sits on the edge of the tub as Y/N opens the medicine cabinet to pull out a box of bandages and antiseptic.

“Can I see?” she asked.

Reluctantly Bucky pulled his shirt over his head, trying to ignore all the times he’s undressed in front of her before. Y/N pressed her lips together at the sight of his bare torso. He’s a little banged up, with more scrapes littering his chest and bruising around his ribs.

He shifts, allowing her access to his back and the gauze on his shoulder blade. Y/N pulls the tape off his skin as gently as she can, bracing one hand against him to help separate the glue from his tender skin. He’s warmer than usual and she doesn’t know if it’s from the wound or the fact that they’re currently in this situation together.

When the gauze is pulled off Y/N gasped slightly. Bucky’s gash was angry red, with dark wire looped through the broken seams of skin. The sutures had separated in a few spots with fresh crimson trickling down.

Y/N lets out a shaky breath, upset at the injuries Bucky sustained. “Are you in pain?” she asked, rinsing a washcloth under the faucet and wringing it out.

_My heart is broken without you._ “I’ll be fine. Should heal soon.”

Gently she blotted at his skin to clean the blood away, patting the area dry. On a cotton swab she puts on the antiseptic cream, dabbing it on the open wound from the broken sutures. Bucky turns his head to watch her search for something in the cabinet again, her eyes widening with relief as she spots what she needed.

Y/N handed him a roll of medical tape. “Do you mind?”

Opening the box, she unwrapped fresh gauze, holding it against his skin and Bucky tore off pieces for her as she secured it over his wound. A satisfied smile pulled at her lips when she was finished.

She leaned down to pick up the washcloth from the floor as Bucky swung around to face her, holding out the tape. Nerves bubbled up his throat as he opened his mouth to speak.

“I love…” he paused as she took the tape from his hands, electrifying tingles dancing on their skin as they touched. “…how much you care about me.”

It’s not exactly what Y/N wanted to hear but it’s close and she takes it as if Bucky recited the deepest words of love written by poets of long ago.

Time slowed as she set the items aside, her heart pounding in her ears to the silent beat of love. Bucky stood tall, his bare chest rising and falling with the same unspoken desire as he stared longingly at her.

With a step forward the space between them diminishes. Y/N’s breath hitches in her throat and she forces the lump down with a hard swallow. Lifting her gaze towards Bucky’s she sees the blue of his eyes withdrawing for dark pupils but this time they were different. Gone is the wanton wildfire, now his eyes simmer with soft longing.

Bucky smiled gently with the faintest muscles pulling on the corner of his lips. His nerves are buzzing as she grazes her fingers up his arms, goosebumps prickling his skin as she traced the curves of his muscular arms; smiling wider as she brushed over the grooves of his metal appendage until her arms were wrapped around his neck.

He’s mesmerized as Y/N’s tongue darts out to wet her lips because she can’t prevent what is going to happen, she doesn’t want to. Their faces are inches apart and Y/N feels Bucky’s hot breath falling on her. She grazed her nose along his skin, brushing her lips softly against Bucky’s. Tears flooded her eyes the moment he pressed his lips against hers as joy and relief washed over her like a tidal wave.

Kissing Y/N again was a dream come true, and Bucky sets aside his thoughts of the inevitable nightmare this would lead to. His arms wrap around her, bringing her as close to his heart that will always be hers.

Despite their time apart the kiss is soft and slow, with gentle whimpers falling from Y/N’s mouth as her lips mold perfectly to Bucky’s. The world faded away as they were reunited, their tongues meeting in a sensual dance, deepening the kiss they never want to end.

Bucky’s hands skimmed down her sides until he reached her thighs, grabbing them in surprise as he lifted her up. Their kiss broke momentarily as the air filled with Y/N’s laughter before she pressed her lips against his again craving more; insatiable for his kiss as if it was restoring her soul.

Navigating blindly towards her bedroom, Bucky gently laid Y/N on the bed and he draped himself beside her. Their lips exchange sweet kisses that grow deeper as their hands roam along bare skin. She smiles as she pulls him closer, gently rocking her hips against him.

Bucky feels the stir in his pants and he knows she can too, his hardening length ruts against her and as much as he wants to be buried inside her he pulls away. It’s a quick moment to drink her in, to see the dizzying effects of their passion in the gaze of her eyes.

Y/N looks at him like he’s the only thing that matters in the world and Bucky feels the sentiment deep in his soul. Her soft smile is everything, the light in her eyes that shine just for him. He’s enveloped by that sweet scent he calls home, a place he wants to visit again and never leave.

He pours his heart and soul into every heavenly movement as his lips pressed against hers again. Soft whimpers bubbled in her throat and as a moan fell from Bucky’s lips Y/N felt an ache in her core that longed to be sated in a way no one else but Bucky could make her.

It felt like time had never passed. Bucky unzipped her dress, delicately tossing it to the floor as he peeled the fabric from her skin. Cupping the smooth fabric of her bra before reaching around to unhook the clasp.

His hands are immediately on her breasts, gently squeezing the supple flesh as leans in closer. Bucky drags his tongue over her nipple, circling over each one back and forth. Her back arched as he nipped lightly, taking it into his warm mouth, sucking, licking, giving his attention to each breast.

Y/N felt the wetness soaking through her panties as he continued, gasping as he flicked his tongue over the pebbled bud, increasing her building ache with another swirl of his tongue.

Bucky knew he was driving her crazy, the scent of her arousal flooded his senses. There was a heady longing in her musk that made him want to pounce on her like a lion stalking its prey. But tonight things were different. The only thing on his mind is to draw out and savor every sensual moment together.

He trailed sweet kisses down her stomach, sucking gently against the inside of her thighs. Y/N squirmed as he teased her more with kisses that _almost _went where she wanted them most.

When Bucky finally grabbed the material of her panties she gasped, when his arms curled around her thighs she whimpered, and when he took his first taste of her she cried out, gripping the sheets as she ascended to the heavens.

Bucky took his time between her legs, to worship her like the goddess she is. His tongue works expertly to bring her to the edge, loving the way Y/N trembles around him. She cries out, burying her fingers in his hair, the scratchy feeling of her need to hold on to anything solidifies the tent in his pants but Bucky ignores it, moaning against her as she comes undone.

Over and over again he sends her body into a dizzying spell of bliss, riding waves of pleasure as his name falls from her lips. Their eyes lock and he hummed in content at the taste of her. Slowly her body relaxed, her legs still shaking as he climbed up her body.

Bucky’s lips capture hers again, the taste of her being passed between them as Bucky slipped his tongue deeper into Y/N’s mouth. Whimpers leave her lips as she breaks away for air, swallowing a hardened breath.

Y/N’s eyes speak volumes as she stares at him, with her hands accompanying the unspoken words as she traced them lightly down his back, along the top of his jeans until she reached the front.

Her hands rested on the button as she looked at Bucky, seeing the affirmative nod of his head. She popped the button, cupping his hardness as he kissed her again. It was a duel effort to get Bucky out of his jeans, shucking them to the side along with his boxers.

Shifting on the bed, she spread her legs wide enough for Bucky to slip between them. Holding himself above, his loving gaze is cast upon her and he can’t help but caress her face. His heart flutters at the true beauty of Y/N as she lies beneath him. His fingers caress the soft skin of her cheeks and Bucky leans down to take her lips once more, soft and sweet as he pushes inside of her.

The feeling is euphoric. Intense pleasure buzzing throughout their bodies as their hips met with a craving for more. Every thrust brought them higher on the crest of a wave of endless bliss.

A lewd moan spills from her lips, digging her fingers into his back as Bucky swiveled his hips, reaching deeper inside to the place inside her he knows well.

“Ohh fuck… yes… right there, so good,” she panted in hot breaths against him.

This is all he’s ever wanted, to make Y/N feel good, to make love to her every day and night, to love her.

She comes down from her high, crushing her lips to his as he continues his shallow thrusts. The stubble of his beard scrapes at her cheek but she doesn’t care. She needs him, now more than ever before.

Bucky was an addiction she tried to kick but the memory of him never faded, the way he made her feel, the way he felt inside her; she was changed from the moment their lips met and there was no turning back– not now, not ever.

Her hands roam down the muscles of his back and onto the swell of his ass, grabbing the flesh that flexes with each thrust into her. Bucky loves feeling her hands on him, guiding him as she lifts her hips to meet his, taking what she needs and he’ll give her everything.

The friction against her clit brings her to the edge, spurred on by Bucky’s words she comes; panting, cursing, his name on her lips as she tumbled towards ecstasy. His mouth is against hers again, swallowing the sweet moans she gives as she kisses him back.

She nudges him to lie on his back, savoring every moment as she slowly sinks down on him. Y/N is careful not to move too quickly, knowing his stitches are vulnerable as she moves above him.

Bucky’s hands caress her thighs, sliding up to her undulating hips. Every moment beating out the last in a bid for how beautiful she truly is; glowing like a celestial fire that burns for his love.

The muscles of his stomach tense as he sits up, wrapping his arms around her as she moves sensually on top of him. He kisses between her breasts, on any part of her skin his lips could meet until she slowed her pace. Her own arms wrapped around Bucky as their lips met, each of them smiling against one another.

They separated only when her lungs were burning for air but the kissing didn’t stop. Bucky kissed her neck as Y/N held him closer, resuming the motion of her hips. The press of his thumb against her clit made her twitch around him, crying out as she came.

Another kiss, stealing her breath that came out in heavy pants. Bucky moved Y/N on her side, getting behind her, lifting her thigh so he could enter her again. They move in tandem and he palms her breast that jiggles in his hand. His tongue traces the throbbing vein of her neck as his fingers tweak the peaked bud.

Y/N craned her head back to face him, slipping her tongue inside his mouth as he moved in and out of her wet heat. Bucky’s arm stretched across her waist, pulling her closer as he increased his pace. She bent her other arm, reaching out for his metal hand behind her, needing to feel as connected to Bucky as possible.

He feels her walls pulsing as he hits her sweet spots, moans bubbling in her throat and he knows she’s close. He grips her tighter as her walls clench around him in the most heavenly way.

It’s too much for him; Y/N is the only thing in the world that can turn Bucky into a crumbling mess. His body tenses as he thrusts, letting out a strangled cry as he releases himself inside her.

The aftermath of their lovemaking fills the air of her bedroom. Bucky’s head falls against hers, sticking against her equally sweat glistened skin. Y/N is still breathing heavy, her heart growing warmer as Bucky presses a kiss to her forehead.

For a while they laid together in silence, not wanting to face the real world when Bucky inevitably had to leave. It was easier to push the truth away for a few minutes longer, to smile tenderly at each other and block out the rest of the world.

Bucky brings her closer, rubbing circles on her back and feeling her skin prickle under his touch. Their hands intertwine again and Bucky presses another kiss on her forehead, his lips lingering on her warm skin. He hopes Y/N realizes how he feels about her, that he’s making up for things he left unsaid.

In the back of his mind Bucky knows he can’t ever say them because now things are complicated. More complicated than before when he couldn’t express his true emotions, because now there’s Steve.

He regrets having to leave Y/N but he needs to get back before anyone questions his whereabouts. His stomach sinks like an anchor as he sits at the edge of the bed, seeing the doleful expression on Y/N’s face.

Bucky searches for his clothes on her floor and Y/N gets out of bed. She can’t look at him, let alone herself. She opens a drawer to find something to wear. Silent tears slip down her face.

She is ruining a good thing. Steve doesn’t deserve this. She knows that but as Bucky gets dressed behind her she realizes she can’t choose. She doesn’t want to.

She loves Steve and he loves her, he fills the part of her soul that’s been neglected for so long by Bucky. And though Bucky can’t reciprocate emotionally she can’t let him go. Y/N loves Bucky in a way she’s never felt before. An indescribable love that makes every part of her flutter when they’re together or not. Even if he can’t say the words, even if it’s not enough she still needs him. She needs both of them.

Bucky hates himself more than ever. If only Steve knew what he did… he wouldn’t call him a best friend. He hates that he can’t admit the truth to Y/N like he should have. Steve is a good man, the best man he’s ever known who loves unashamedly. Bucky knows Y/N deserves a man like Steve but as he looks at her tear filled eyes a bell of selfishness rings and knows he can’t let her go.

They hug for too long at the front of her door, rubbing her back as Y/N sobs against him. He isn’t afraid to hide the wetness in his own eyes. This isn’t easy for either of them but they know what has to be done.

The choice is simple, there is no choice. There is no Steve _or_ Bucky.

It’s understood in their passionate kiss, the intensity that never falters. Sparks fly in their eyes just as they did when they first met, confirming that neither are letting each other go. It’s wrong but they won’t stop.

Bucky and Y/N are addicted to each other, to the way they feel together, high off the rush of chasing a love they’ll never have. The secrecy continues because the truth would hurt everyone around them even if the cost is hurting themselves the most.


End file.
